


Pool Of Regrets

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, M/M, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-21
Updated: 2006-07-06
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:55:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Takes place after the Rage Party in episode 120. Brian's life is spiraling down and is faced with a strange unexpected predicament.





	1. Downfall

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes:

FYI, this story has been re-edited and there are some slight changes, though you may not notice.   

Warning: This story is full of weird twists, and yes, it is somewhat J/Other.  I don't want to say who it is with because I don't want to give it away, but I can only hope that you will trust me, and not hate me for the pairing. I am strictly a B/J fan, so know that I would never split the two up. Everything will all make sense in the end, so I hope you can bare with me. 

* * *

PROLOGUE  
  
 _Brian tipped his head back and polished off the last drop of his Jim Beam and then threw the bottle behind him, causing it to shatter into pieces on his kitchen floor._  
  
“Oops,” Brian mumbled aloud and stumbled into his bedroom, almost tripping on the steps on his way. He clumsily dropped down on his bed on his back, watching the ceiling above him spin like a pinwheel. He laughed acidly at the irony of it. It wasn't just his head that was spinning out of control. His life had been spiraling in constant upheaval for months now. Ever since he let the love of his life walk away from him. And for what? To prove that he didn't need him? That no one, not even Justin, could ever make him beg someone not to leave? No, of course not. He was Brian Kinney, after all. He never went after anyone. There were no locks on their doors. Justin was always free to go. If that fucking fiddler was everything that Justin wanted and needed, who was he to stop him from being with him? And so, he let him go. His Sunshine had gone away.  
  
He decided to sit up. Laying down was just too dizzying for him. He briefly looked around his bedroom. Obviously, he needed something more numbing. He needed to not think about Justin. He needed to be able to close his eyes without seeing the blond angel's face smiling at him like he was made of gold.  
  
Brian couldn't remember where he had put his little box of “goodies.” He began to search around his room. After looking around and being unsuccessful, he finally got down on his hands and knees and started to look under his bed. He didn't have a flashlight handy, but reached his hand around trying to feel for the box. He frowned when he felt something soft, and yanked it out from under the bed. Tears immediately flooded his eyes when he saw the powder blue hoodie that said PIFA on the front in thick navy blue block letters. He hugged the sweatshirt to his chest and for the first time allowed his tears to flow. All these months he had been holding it in. All of it. Trying to pretend that he didn't care. That he could get over it. He knew that wasn't the case from the first day, but he couldn't let anyone else see his pain. Brian Kinney was a rock. He had to be strong. He had to show them — especially Justin, that he was okay. He'd always survived.  
  
He couldn't help but bring the sweatshirt up to his face and he breathed in deeply, desperately hoping that even just a small trace of Justin's scent was left behind. And it was. It faintly smelled of his CK1 cologne mixed with his own unique smell. As he inhaled the hoodie, it was like some sort of time machine sending him straight back to the past. One sniff was all he needed to take him back to the last time he and Justin made such sweet love. He could see it playing through his head like a movie. He could hear the faint echo of Justin's giggle as he licked and kissed the blond's sensitive spots that only he knew about and whispered dirty things into his ear. He could hear Justin moaning and pleading as he pounded into him. He could hear him whisper “I love you” as he came. Justin often whispered it because he knew how uncomfortable it made Brian feel to hear the dreaded three cursed words.  
  
Brian wiped away his tears and set the sweatshirt beside him on the floor. Now he REALLY needed his box, and he was more determined than ever to wipe out any memories of Justin. He reached back under the bed and laughed with relief when he felt the rectangular oak box with his stash of drugs in it. He pulled it out and immediately opened it, not really sure what he had in there. As of late, his drug of choice had mostly been alcohol. Old habits were hard to break. Booze had always been his best pain management.  
  
Aside from marijuana, he had let up on the drugs a lot after Justin came to live with him after the bashing. He had to be sober and keep an eye on his boy. He needed to be able to be alert to be able to take care of him. Once in a while he and Justin would both do a hit of “E” together, but mostly the hard stuff was put away for rainy days — and today was definitely a very, very, rainy day. There was a storm brewing.  
  
As he looked through the assorted drugs, he tried to decide which one would do the trick the best. Finally he came across his special “mix” he had gotten from Anita. He remembered how this stuff had knocked him on his ass when he took it before, and smiled. He rapidly prepared it and then sniffed the powder first through his right, then left, nostril. He sighed with relief when in a few short seconds he felt a rush of tingles and warmth spread throughout his body, and all memories of Justin were wiped from his mind. He couldn't think at all at that moment. He just felt himself fall deep into another place — someplace he was safe and couldn't be reached.  
  
He never even felt it when he hit the floor.


	2. Wake Up Call

Brian groaned. He knew that this had to have been the worst hangover of his life — and he had his share of bad ones. He had the worst taste in his mouth, and for some reason his throat was killing him. Maybe he'd puked his guts out? He couldn't remember.  
  
“Fuck,” Brian croaked. His eyes were still closed. For some reason he was having a hard time opening them. He was so fucking tired.  
  
“Oh my God,” a voice said. Brian's eyes shot open. He had to open them to see for himself that the voice belonged to the person he hoped it did. His eyes slowly focused in to see Justin's concerned blue ones looking at him. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, but there was tremendous relief on his face.  
  
“Justin?” Brian asked. Justin immediately moved the chair he had been restlessly snoozing in closer to Brian.  
  
“Brian, thank God you're awake! We thought we were going to lose you for a while there. How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?” he asked all at once, his eyes a bit misty, but he smiled at the brunet.  
  
Brian looked at him, confused. He had no idea what was going on.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked. He then looked around a bit disoriented, and saw that he was not in his bedroom at the loft, then looked back at Justin. “Where the fuck am I?” he asked.  
  
Justin sighed, and took Brian's hand in his. “Brian, you're in the hospital. You've been here for three weeks, unconscious,” Justin explained.  
  
“Three weeks? Why? What happened?”  
  
“You... overdosed. Whatever drugs you took mixed with the alcohol was just too much for your body to handle,” Justin told him sadly.  
  
“Shit,” Brian frowned.  
  
“It gets better. When you O.D.ed, you dropped backwards onto the hardwood floor and gave yourself a concussion. They said it was possible you would never wake up,” he told him, with a small relieved smile. He couldn't believe that Brian was actually awake. Along with everyone else, he had been so worried.  
  
Brian just looked at Justin for a moment, trying to let the information he had just learned soak in. He was a bit distracted though by the man by his side whom he wasn't expecting to see. He hadn't seen Justin in months. Even though he wouldn't admit it, he was happy to see the blond. He suddenly pushed that thought from his mind when he remembered that Justin was the reason all of this had happened in the first place. He felt the bitterness he had for the blond return. He looked down to see Justin's hand over his and shook free from it.  
  
“Why are you here? Aren't you worried about what your boyfriend would have to say about it?” he snapped.  
  
“Why would I be worried about that? Of course he knows I'm here. He expects it,” Justin said, not sure if Brian was being serious or not.  
  
“Oh yeah, I'm sure Ian, the happy fiddler would be tickled pink knowing that you're here with me right now,” Brian said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.  
  
“Fiddler — Ian? Who is that?” Justin asked.  
  
“What the fuck are you talking about?”  
  
“Brian, I don't know anyone named Ian,” Justin told him. Brian frowned. Was Justin being a smart ass?  
  
“Okay, his fucking name is Ethan. What difference does it make? You know who I meant,” Brian said irritatedly. Justin continued to stare at him, not sure what to say. He decided to just let it go for now.  
  
“Um... all right, I'm going to get a nurse in here, and then call Michael. He's been worried sick about you. We all have been,” Justin said.  
  
“Whatever,” Brian said and looked away.  
  
Justin gave Brian a worried look before he left the room. He knew that Brian had been through a lot, but the man was definitely not in a good mood. In fact, it seemed that he was particularly upset with _him_ for some unknown reason. He didn't seem happy that the blond was there, and Justin wasn't quite sure what to make of that. He sighed and tried not to take it personally. He'd put up with Brian's moods plenty of times before. The man probably just needed to get some rest and things would be fine. Justin was just grateful that he had come out of the coma.  
  
After notifying the nurses that Brian had woken up, he immediately got out his cell phone and called Michael, who answered on the first ring.  
  
“Hey. Any change?” Michael asked when he answered his cell phone. This was what he asked every day when he wasn't at the hospital with Brian himself.  
  
“He's awake,” Justin said, smiling.  
  
“Oh my God. I'm on my way,” Michael said, ecstatically. In the three weeks Brian had been in a coma he had refused to give up hope that he would come out of it. He had Power of Attorney over him, and he dreaded having to make the decision of letting him go.  
  
“Wait, Mike. I just need to warn you that he's not really himself right now. He seems very confused,” Justin said.  
  
“Well, that's only natural. He's been out of it for a few weeks. I'm sure the drugs and the concussion affected his brain,” Michael said. He was already in his car driving to the hospital by this time.  
  
“Yeah, I know. It's just that he...” Justin paused.  
  
“He what?” Michael asked.  
  
“Oh, never mind. I'm sure it was nothing. I'll see you when you get here,” Justin said.  
  
“Okay. It should be in about ten minutes.”  
  
“All right,” Justin said and hung up.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Justin sat in the waiting room while the doctor examined Brian. He tried to keep himself calm as he waited for Michael. He had already called the rest of the family to let them know Brian had woken up, and he expected them all to be showing up soon. He was trying to relax, but he couldn't shake the weird feeling he had about Brian's reaction to him after waking up.  
  
Justin smiled when he saw Michael rushing in through the door and to him.  
  
“How is he?” Michael asked.  
  
“The doctor is looking him over,” Justin informed him. Just then, Dr. Fritz, the doctor who had been treating Brian since he was admitted to the emergency room, came out to greet them.  
  
“Michael, Justin,” he smiled as he greet them. “He's fine. He's feeling pretty weak and seems a bit agitated, but from what you two have told me about his personality, that probably means that he's not acting out of character,” the man said with a smile. Justin and Michael chuckled as they looked at each other.  
  
“Can we see him?” Michael asked.  
  
“Sure, but don't make it too long. He needs his rest,” Dr. Fritz said. They both nodded and then entered Brian's hospital room.  
  
Brian looked up to see Michael and Justin walking in.  
  
“Hey there, sleeping beauty,” Michael smiled. Brian gave him a weak smile back.  
  
“Hey, Mikey,” he said, as his friend leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips. He then looked over and saw Justin looking at him, and he wondered why he was still there. Now that he was awake, and was going to be okay, Justin could go back to his perfect little boyfriend and live in bliss. The thought of that made him frown.  
  
“What's wrong?” Michael asked, seeing the look on Brian's face.  
  
“Why is he still here?” Brian asked him, and then looked at Justin. Michael gave him a confused look.  
  
“What do you mean? Of course he's still here. He cares about you too. You know there's nowhere else he'd be,” Michael said.  
  
“Yeah, that's what I thought at one time, but he made it abundantly clear that here --” Brian motioned to himself. “-- is definitely not where he wants to be,” Brian finished, and then stared Justin down. The blond could only look back at Brian in shock.  
  
“What the fuck are you talking about? I never said that,” Justin said, and then looked at Michael, giving him a confused look that told him that he had no idea what was going on.  
  
“You didn't have to, Sunshine. No words are necessary, remember?” Brian said looking straight into his eyes and glaring.  
  
“Maybe I should leave,” Justin said, uneasily.  
  
“Sure, why not? That's what you're good at. Go on,” Brian spat and then looked away. Michael frowned and then looked at the blond.  
  
“Justin, you don't have to go. I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding,” Michael said.  
  
Brian looked at the interaction between the two men, and frowned. Why was Michael being so nice to Justin? He'd done nothing but talk shit about him since the break-up, and had even said that he hated the blond. Michael had never really liked Justin from the first day he met him, and it had taken him forever to accept that he was a part of Brian's life. He had seemed happy to be rid of the teen after the Rage party. One thing was for sure, though; he didn't seem particularly upset with him now. Brian watched as Justin pulled Michael aside and spoke to him in a low voice.  
  
“It's okay. There's actually a few things that I need to do anyway. I've been here since yesterday. I'm going to go home and take a shower, and then go to the store to work on the inventory. We're a little behind,” Justin told him.  
  
“You sure?” Michael asked.  
  
Justin nodded. “Yeah, just call me later.”  
  
“Okay,” Michael agreed in a soft voice.  
  
Brian looked at them in utter shock, as he watched Michael pull Justin in for a kiss. What the fuck was going on?  
  
“Love you,” Michael whispered and gave him an assuring smile.  
  
“You too,” Justin whispered and returned a brief smile. He looked back at Brian and sighed sadly. He didn't know what was going on with the brunet, but he would give him time to sort it out.  
  
“I'm glad you're okay, Brian. I hope you feel better soon,” he said, and then walked out the door.  
  
Brian just sat there and stared, not knowing what to do or say. As the shock wore off, he started to fume. He had never wanted to strangle Michael so badly in his life. He couldn't believe that his best friend would deceive him like this.  
  
“What the fuck was that?” Brian demanded.  
  
“What?” Michael asked, startled.  
  
“You fucking kissed Justin — Y-you said you _loved_ him!” Brian shouted.  
  
“Brian, what's going on?” Michael said, worry all over his face.  
  
“You tell me! Nothing has fucking made sense since I woke up.”  
  
“I know you're probably a little confused right now...” Brian cut Michael off.  
  
“A little confused? Damn right I'm confused. I just saw you kissing my ex-boy — Justin -- whom you've always hated. And I'm just supposed to not say anything?” Brian asked incredulously.  
  
“Wait a minute... were you just about to say ex-boyfriend?” he asked with a frown.  
  
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”  
  
“What's this really about, Brian? What's your problem with Justin? Did something happen between you two?” he asked, wondering if maybe the two men had gotten into a disagreement or something before Brian's accident.  
  
Brian wanted to scream in frustration. Why was everyone looking at him like he had lost his mind? The truth was, THEY were the ones who were crazy.  
  
“Mikey, please tell me that you're joking with me. Please, just for my sanity, tell me that you are having a little fun. That would make me feel a whole lot better. It would be fucked up, but at least I would know that we were on the same page,” Brian told him.  
  
“Brian, I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're talking about. I think I should call the doctor back in here...”  
  
“No! No doctors. Michael, you're my best friend in the whole world, you know that, right?” he asked. Michael looked at him and nodded slowly.  
  
“Yes, and you're mine,” he answered.  
  
“Please help me understand what is going on with you and Justin,” Brian pleaded. He felt himself getting emotional now, and even though that was the last thing he wanted to do, he couldn't help it. This was all just so much for him to take. He felt like he was losing his mind.  
  
“Brian, you're serious, aren't you?” Michael asked looking at him carefully.  
  
“Yes, Mikey. Dead serious,” he said, staring back at him.  
  
Michael figured that maybe Brian had experienced some kind of memory loss. That was the only explanation he could come up with — although, it still didn't make sense that Brian was referring to Justin as his ex-boyfriend. He decided to just go along with it.  
  
“Okay... Justin and I... he's been my partner for two years now. I met him outside of Babylon the night Gus was born, do you remember that?” he asked. Brian closed his eyes.  
  
“ _You_ met him outside of Babylon?” he asked quietly.  
  
“Yeah. You don't remember?” Michael asked. Brian swallowed hard.  
  
“No, please indulge me,” he said.  
  
“It was his first time on Liberty Avenue and I picked him up because I was afraid some asshole would take advantage of him. He started hanging around after that. His parents kicked him out when they found out he was gay, and so he stayed with Emmett and I for a while, and then moved into Ma's house since he could have his own room over there. Eventually he and I started dating, and we've been together ever since,” Michael said, summing it up.  
  
Brian looked at Michael and started laughing. Michael continued to give him a concerned look. He had no idea what could possibly be so funny.  
  
“Brian...” Michael started but Brian wasn't listening to him.  
  
“I've figured it out. This is a nightmare. I'm going to wake up any minute now,” Brian said out loud as he shook his head in disbelief. He was so torn. If he was dreaming, that meant that when he woke up, he would be sad and lonely and still be without Justin. He would have to continue living knowing that it was all his fault he lost his one and only love of his life and fucked everything up. If he wasn't dreaming, that meant he was fucking crazy and he'd concocted his whole relationship with Justin in his head, and he had to put up with Michael and Justin being together as a couple. Neither were good.  
  
“Brian, are you okay?” Michael asked.  
  
“Why didn't I just fucking die?” Brian asked out loud, more to himself.  
  
Michael frowned. “Don't say that, Brian. We're going to get you some help,” he assured him.  
  
Brian smirked. “No one can help me now, Mikey. I'm all alone. No matter what, I'm all alone, just as I've always been,” Brian said, and then leaned his head back on his pillow and faced away from his best friend.  
  
Michael was just silent and took his hand in his, and allowed himself to shed some tears. He'd never seen Brian this way before -- so broken, and it scared him. He wished he knew how to help him.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
One week, and what seemed like a million tests later, Dr. Fritz finally gave Brian a clean bill of health, and discharged him from the hospital, for which Brian was truly grateful. Everything was such a mess, and he just wanted to get away from everything and everyone and be alone. A couple of days after he had woken up, he told the nurses he wouldn't see any more visitors. His mental health seemed to be everyone's main concern, and he cringed every time he saw the look of pity in the eyes of all of his so-called friends.  
  
Brian still couldn't figure out what was up with this obviously fucked up life warp. He was still convinced that this whole situation was some kind of a nightmare — or maybe, just maybe he was in Hell? That could be it. Maybe God was punishing him for being an asshole for so many years, and for taking everything and everyone for granted.  
  
He knew exactly what he lost when Justin walked out of Babylon that night. It really hit him hard though when he got back to the loft. He knew that Justin wouldn't be there. He knew that he would be in his bed alone. Why, oh why, did he have to push Justin away? Why did he feel the need to stand his ground and not say to Justin what he already knew was true? He did love Justin. But it was more than that. Saying it wouldn't change who he was, or how they were. Saying it wouldn't mean that he wanted to get married and live his life like some straight married couple. Somehow, he felt that Justin would see it that way, and the last thing he wanted was for their relationship to turn into some happy hetero, wannabe, farce.  
  
Brian lay on his bed in the dark, with the exception of the haunting blue lights above his bed. He was puffing on a joint and staring at the ceiling, just thinking about everything. His “new” life was a bit of a mystery to him as of the late. He figured out that he no longer worked for Vanguard. Apparently, he had been fired by the Ryder agency after a sexual harassment lawsuit involving Kip Thomas. For some unknown reason Kip had suddenly dropped the lawsuit against him, before. Brian wondered why things had changed.  
  
Brian now apparently had his own company, called Kinnetic. At least he had still done well for himself, career-wise. Obviously he still had a good sum of money coming in. He looked around to see some new state of the art equipment in his loft — well, at least it was new to him. Who knew how long it had all been there. He had a Bose home theater system, complete with a 62” wide screen TV. He also noticed that there were several new pieces of expensive art hanging up in his loft as well. He still had his jeep, but apparently he had felt the need to indulge and had purchased a new Jag.  
  
Brian frowned as he heard someone knocking on his door. On more than a few occasions he had wanted to kick himself for giving Michael a key to the security gate and his loft. If someone rang him from downstairs he could just ignore it, but it was practically impossible not to mention aggravating to put up with excessive pounding on his heavy metal loft door.  
  
“Go the fuck away, Michael!” Brian called out.  
  
“It's not Michael, Brian,” a voice answered.  
  
Brian sat upright in his bed immediately. Justin. He wasn't sure what to do. A part of him wanted to see the blond again. And by the way his cock was twitching, that wasn't the only thing he wanted to do. He sighed and stubbed out his joint, having decided to get up and open the door. When he slid the door open, he saw Justin's back to him, making his way back down the stairs.  
  
“Justin,” Brian said. The blond immediately turned around and came back up the stairs and looked at Brian.  
  
“I didn't think you were going to open the door,” he told him.  
  
“I wasn't going to. I just wanted the annoying knocking to stop,” Brian told him coldly.  
  
“Still being an asshole, I see,” Justin said dryly.  
  
“What do you want? I'm trying to get stoned in peace,” Brian said.  
  
“I won't stay long, I just needed to talk to you,” Justin said.  
  
“There's nothing to talk about,” Brian told him.  
  
“I need to know what's going on with you. I'm really worried. They said you weren't seeing any visitors. We didn't even know that you were released. Michael had gone down to the hospital to demand to see you but they said you had been discharged. He's left you at least a dozen messages. Why haven't you called him back?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian shrugged. “Because I didn't want to,” he simply answered.  
  
“Did he or I do something to piss you off?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian laughed at that, and then pinched the bridge of his nose. Should he really answer that? He thought. He decided to remain quiet as he thought of what he could say to make Justin leave.  
  
“Michael told me about your conversation. He said that you didn't remember anything about him and I being a couple. He said you called me your ex-boyfriend...”  
  
“It doesn't fucking matter. Everyone thinks I'm crazy — hell, I'm starting to think I'm crazy too,” Brian smirked bitterly.  
  
“Well, I've been thinking about it, and I think I have a good theory on it,” Justin said. Brian looked at him and smirked. Justin was always one to try to figure things out. He was always so damn smart.  
  
“Fine. You have five minutes,” Brian told him, and stepped aside so Justin could enter his home. Once Justin had taken a seat on the sofa, Brian sat on the opposite side. He wanted to get this over with so he could be left alone.  
  
“Okay, let's hear this so-called theory,” Brian said, sounding uninterested, when he really was very curious as to what Justin thought.  
  
“All right. Well, I think that maybe because of that one night — you know...” Justin paused and looked at him nervously. Brian frowned and then let out an exasperated sigh. He was losing his patience with him.  
  
“Uh, no, Justin. I actually _don't_ know. See, apparently, I have sustained a head injury and have amnesia,” Brian said, rolling his eyes. He was so aggravated that 99% of the time he had no idea what was going on in this different and mysterious life of his. It was like it was happening to someone else. Like he was on the outside looking in.  
  
“Shit, Brian. You don't have to be a fucking prick,” Justin frowned.  
  
“Will you just fucking telling me already? Your time is running out,” Brian said, frustrated.  
  
“God. This is hard since you don't remember anything. Okay. You and I were together once. Before Michael and I got together. You were my first...” Justin said quietly, and tensed a little.  
  
“Well, at least something stayed the same,” Brian said out loud. Justin gave him a strange look and Brian just shook his head at him. “Forget it. Go on,” he urged.  
  
“You said that you didn't want me. You didn't do boyfriends, love, relationships — you know, the usual speech,” Justin recalled.  
  
“Yeah, sounds about right,” Brian said.  
  
“I was devastated, but there was nothing I could do but accept it and move on. So then I left you alone. Then not too much later, Michael started becoming interested in me. After Michael and I started dating you acted a little odd. Like jealous.” Brian rolled his eyes.  
  
“Oh, please. I don't --”  
  
“Do jealousy?” Justin finished. “Yeah, saying it is one thing, but actions speak louder than words, Brian,” Justin said, looking directly at the man with a knowing look.  
  
“Will you just fucking get to your theory already?” Brian said, annoyed.  
  
“Well, I was just thinking that maybe your head injury might have brought some of your repressed feelings for me to the surface, making you think that things had been different, that they were real.”  
  
“God!” Brian grunted with frustration. He felt insane, but he just had to say it. “Damn it, Justin. It was real. It was all real.”  
  
“What was, Brian? Tell me,” Justin said.  
  
“We were together. You... loved me.” Justin was stunned by his words, and looked at Brian, not knowing what to say.  
  
“Brian,” Justin started, but the man cut him off.  
  
“Okay let's say that what you're telling me is true. Did you ever tell Mikey about us?” Brian asked. Justin shook his head.  
  
“No, you and I decided that it was best if we didn't tell him. We agreed to just keep it all in the past, and we became friends. We've been good friends, Brian.” Brian closed his eyes. This was all so confusing. He couldn't have been making it all up. He was having all of these feelings just being close to Justin at that moment.  
  
“I don't think I can accept that it wasn't real,” Brian admitted.  
  
“You have to, Brian.”  
  
“No. What you and I had isn't something I could ever forget. I wouldn't ever want to forget it, Justin, no matter how much I was hurt in the end,” Brian told him honestly.  
  
“If you don't accept that it wasn't real, you can't get better.”  
  
“It was real. You want to know how I know I'm right?” Brian asked.  
  
“Please,” Justin smiled with intrigue.  
  
“Because I still feel that pang in my chest when I look at you,” Brian confessed. Justin stared at him, not knowing what to say.  
  
“Brian, please...” Justin pleaded.  
  
“What's wrong, Sunshine? Having trouble admitting you feel something for me? I know that you feel it. You love me,” Brian told him. Justin shook his head.  
  
“Just stop it!” Justin yelled.  
  
Brian sighed. He wasn't sure what to do. He felt so lost. If only he could talk to his best friend about all of this. But, because the situation was all completely fucked up, he couldn't talk to Michael. He started to question what was real and what wasn't. Then something else occurred to him. Did the fiddler even exist?  
  
“Justin can I just ask you one question, and then I'll let this go for tonight,” Brian said softly. Justin sighed and then nodded.  
  
“Sure, anything,” he answered.  
  
“Just tell me if you know a guy named Ethan,” Brian said.  
  
“I already told you I don't know anyone by that name,” Justin said.  
  
“Ethan Gold. Short guy with dark, longish greasy hair; plays the violin. He goes to PIFA...” Justin's face suddenly showed recognition, and then he frowned.  
  
“Wait... Ethan Gold? How do you know him?” Justin asked.  
  
“So you _do_ know him!” Brian said, feeling a glimpse of hope. Maybe he wasn't crazy after all.  
  
“Yes, I know Ethan. Lindsay and Mel gave me tickets to his concert once. We've spoken on occasion. He was interested in me when we first met, but I told him I was in a serious relationship,” Justin said softly.  
  
“And let me guess -- he continued to pursue you?” Brian asked. Justin looked at Brian carefully, and swallowed hard.  
  
“Yeah, he did at first,” Justin admitted.  
  
“Fucking prick,” Brian mumbled.  
  
“Brian how did you know about that? I never told you or Michael about it,” Justin said.  
  
“Because I'm telling you the truth,” Brian told him. Justin shook his head and laughed nervously.  
  
“Brian, this is crazy. You're obviously very confused about a lot of things. There has to be a reasonable explanation for all of this,” Justin said.  
  
“I agree with you on one thing, Sunshine. This situation is crazy — but I'm not. I know what I'm talking about, and I'll continue to find ways to prove to you that I'm telling the truth,” Brian told him.  
  
“Why do you keep calling me Sunshine? Only Debbie calls me that,” Justin said.  
  
“I've been calling you that since you came to live with me... after the bashing,” Brian told him. Justin's brows furrowed.  
  
“What bashing?” he asked.  
  
“Chris Hobbs... he hit you in the head with a baseball bat...” Brian cringed, as he thought of that night. He still had nightmares with Justin laying on the cement covered in his own blood.  
  
“No, Brian. You're confusing me with Jason Kemp. Chris Hobbs apparently had some sort of obsessed crush on him, and just lost it when he saw Jason with his boyfriend at the prom,” Justin told him.  
  
Brian shook his head in disbelief.  
  
“No, Justin. I saw him. I saw it all. He came after you with the bat in the parking garage,” Brian told Justin.  
  
“No, you didn't. I didn't even go to the prom, Brian. I ended up going to Babylon with you and Michael instead. I hated St. James Academy so much, I had no desire to go to the prom,” Justin explained.  
  
“So basically, you're telling me that it was all in my imagination,” Brian said.  
  
“What else can I say, Brian? All I can do is tell you what happened. Whether you choose to believe me or not is completely up to you. I can't make you do anything. I never could,” Justin added, with a smirk.  
  
“Oh, you made me do more than you think,” Brian told him and almost laughed as he thought about all the changes he had made and the things that Justin was able to make him do, during the time they were together. He tried to never let on how strongly Justin had affected him, but he would have done almost anything for the blond. He had become such an important person to him, and sometimes all it took was one of Justin's radiant smiles, and he turned to mush inside.  
  
Justin just stared at him, and remained quiet for a while. Brian was looking at him strangely, and it was making him feel a little uncomfortable. He wasn't sure what to do about all of this... what was it exactly? Confusion? Delusion? Insanity?  
  
He had never admitted it to anyone, but he never really truly got over the brunet after he had lost his virginity to him. He had left him alone because that was what he wanted, but Brian had always had a place in his heart. Now with him claiming that they had been together and the apparent mixed emotions Brian was having towards him, it was affecting him emotionally as well, and bringing up some old feelings and issues he had with him. His thoughts were suddenly interrupted.  
  
“Look, Justin. I know I sound insane, but I — “ Brian paused, not knowing if he could continue.  
  
“You what, Brian?” Justin asked softly, urging him to go on.  
  
“I need you right now,” he whispered, surprised that he had said the words out loud. Justin looked at Brian with a surprised expression as well. He had never heard Brian confess anything like that before to anyone. The man had always claimed he didn't need anyone. Justin was really starting to get scared now. This was all just getting way too complicated.  
  
“I'll be here for you, Brian. I always have, and I always will. Michael and I love you. We're going to get you the help you need,” Justin told him.  
  
Brian's hopes fell at Justin's words. He knew the blond didn't believe him. He most likely thought he was off his rocker. Obviously he felt that Brian needed to see a shrink. That wasn't exactly what he meant when he said he needed him. He'd hoped that Justin would listen to him and help him figure all of this shit out.  
  
“You know that, don't you?” Justin asked. Brian just nodded absently. He really wanted to be left alone now.  
  
“Sorry, Sunshine, your time is up. It's been swell, but I've got to get back to Mary Jane. She gets upset when I keep her waiting too long,” Brian joked lamely. He couldn't deal with any more of this right now. He just wanted to get really high and try to relax and get some much needed sleep.  
  
Justin nodded and stood up from where he was sitting.  
  
“I'll tell Michael you're okay. If you know what's good for you, you'll call him tomorrow morning. You know he's got a key and he's not afraid to use it,” Justin smirked.  
  
“Trust me, I know. I'm thinking about having the locks changed,” Brian told him. Justin laughed lightly, and then gave Brian a small hug.  
  
“Try to get some rest,” he told Brian, who just nodded slightly.  
  
He watched Justin leave his loft and then headed back to his bedroom to lie down in his bed and sparked up his joint once again. He stayed awake quite a while that night, getting high and contemplating his fucked up life. It was only after he came up with a revelation and seemingly perfect plan, that he was finally able to fall asleep. He would fix things. He would be happy again. This was his chance to start over from scratch and make things right. It would mean a lot of changes — but shit, everything had already changed so much anyway, that it didn't make much of a difference now. It didn't matter because Justin was worth it.


	3. A Chance To Fix

Brian moaned and tossed and turned in his bed as he slept.  
  
 _Brian, I love you.”_  
  
Brian's eyes shot open and he sat up in his bed. Justin's voice haunted him in his sleep. He hadn't stopped dreaming of him since he came back from the hospital. Every night it was the same. This made it even more impossible to accept that things were different. He figured the dreams had to be sign. The only explanation he could come up with was that this was a little game God or _some_ higher power was playing with him. He was miraculously given a second chance to make things right with Justin. If he was going to do that he had to change some things about himself, which he knew wouldn't be easy, but he was willing to try.  
  
He had always prided himself on being the “I'll say anything, do anything, no regrets or apologies” kind of guy. He had been looked upon by most people as an asshole because of this persona, but he was an honest asshole, and he found that that was one of the things that attracted people to him. He didn't play games, and he told it how it was. No bullshit. It was what both Michael and Lindsay had always admired about him. He often wondered how they put up with him for so many years. He knew he often wasn't as compassionate to them as friends should be. Nevertheless, they had never faulted him for it. They just accepted him for who he was. He supposed that was why he had such a soft spot for them.  
  
He should have known that Justin would be different. He wasn't like Michael or Lindsay. Although, in the beginning, he was like a little puppy, following Brian around, finding every excuse in the book to be in the same vicinity. Loyal to fullest, the blond was. He was just a kid then. A wide-eyed, fresh out-of-the-closet twink, who fell in love with him the first night Brian took him home and fucked him.  
  
Things change though, as they often do when you start a relationship with someone. He knew that Justin loved him enough to put up with a lot of his shit — but he also knew that he probably wouldn't put up with it forever. He was more than aware of what Justin wanted, and he refused to give it to him. Why should he have to change who he was for anyone? He told Justin how it would be. He knew who Brian was from day one — he had never misinformed him.  
  
Something that no ever knew though, was that it killed him inside whenever he would see Justin's face fall with disappointment in him. He was waiting for Brian to want him and only him. He was waiting for him to open up to him completely. He was waiting for him to admit his love... But he just couldn't do it. Once you open yourself up like that to someone there's no going back. You're split wide open and vulnerable. After that, they would know exactly what they could do to hurt you again and again if they wanted to. They could throw it in your face. They could try to reshape and mold you into something else. No. It was too much of a risk.  
  
It was only a matter of time that Justin would leave to find what he was looking for somewhere else. Brian knew it would happen eventually. He just didn't know it would end up hurting so bad. Who would have ever figured he would have ended up actually falling hard for the kid? Wait, no... that wasn't right. Justin wasn't a kid anymore. He proved that. He was a man. A man who was ready for a mature relationship. A man who was being rejected by another man who was scared shitless.  
  
So now, here he was in some fucked up alternate world. He felt like he was Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, except there were no ghostly spirits to guide him along this journey and show him his shoulda/coulda/woulda's. He had to figure all this shit out on his own.  
  
Brian looked at the clock. It was after 6. He hadn't expected to nap for so long. His sleeping had been so rotten lately that he had taken to napping in the afternoons. He got up from his bed and immediately headed to the bathroom to take a shower. He was going to Babylon. He knew a certain blond would most likely be there, and if he wasn't, he'd make sure he would show up.  
  
An hour later, Brian walked into Babylon. As usual all eyes were on him as he walked through the crowded club, and he felt a couple of phone numbers being slipped into his pants pockets, as well as a couple groping hands on his ass. He ignored the advances as he scanned the large room for a familiar blond head. He finally spotted Michael at the bar and headed straight over there.  
  
“Hey, Mikey,” Brian said casually as he came up to him. Michael turned to face him and gave him a bright smile.  
  
“Brian! I'm surprised to see you here. How are you feeling?” he asked, giving the taller man a hug.  
  
“Just peachy,” Brian answered sarcastically. He got the bartender's attention and ordered a beer.  
  
“Should you be drinking?” Michael asked. Brian's eyes narrowed as he looked back at his best friend.  
  
“I'm not going kill myself with one beer, Michael,” Brian said.  
  
“Don't act like you don't know what I mean, Brian. You're not supposed to be doing any drugs or alcohol. You're supposed to be recovering from your addictions,” Michael said.  
  
“Just lay off. It's none of your fucking business,” Brian hissed. Michael glared at his friend.  
  
“Look asshole, you almost died. Don't expect me to just stand here and not say anything or be concerned. I care about what happens to you, you son of a bitch,” Michael shouted.  
  
Brian sighed. He nodded and leaned down to kiss Michael on the lips apologetically.  
  
“I know. I'm just under a lot of stress lately, Mikey. I promise that I won't overdo it, okay?” Brian told him with a smile that Michael couldn't resist. He could never really stay mad at the brunet for too long.  
  
“Just promise me that I won't have to carry you out of here,” Michael warned.  
  
“I give you my queer word of honor,” Brian said with a smile.  
  
Michael smirked and nodded.  
  
“So where's the boyfriend this evening?” Brian asked casually, even though he winced every time he thought about Michael and Justin being together as a couple.  
  
“He should be here any minute. His shift at the diner ended at 7:00,” Michael explained. Just as he was saying that, they saw Justin walking toward them. He looked surprised to see Brian, but smiled at them, nonetheless.  
  
“Hey,” Justin said once he reached them.  
  
“Hi, babe,” Michael said to him, and kissed him on the lips. “Look who decided to get back into the scene?” Michael said with a smile. Justin nodded.  
  
“Yeah, I can see that. How are you doing, Brian?” Justin asked.  
  
“Much better now,” Brian answered, knowing that Justin would get his double meaning. Michael seemed oblivious to it, and just smiled at them.  
  
Justin eyed Brian's beer he was holding and then gave him an accusing look. Brian rolled his eyes at him.  
  
“Don't start. I already assured Michael that I wouldn't overdo it, so please just save it, okay?” Brian said, trying not get too aggravated.  
  
“Fine, do whatever you want. I don't care,” Justin said.  
  
“I've got to go to the bathroom you guys. I'll be right back,” Michael told them, and headed off into the crowd.  
  
Brian looked back at Justin and smirked.  
  
“You're lying,” he said.  
  
“About what?” Justin asked.  
  
“You do care,” Brian said.  
  
Justin nodded. “Yeah, you know I do. I'm just not going to sit here and argue with you and tell you what an idiot you're being,” Justin said.  
  
“Excuse me?” Brian asked.  
  
“You know exactly what I'm talking about, Brian. How the fuck do you expect to get sober if you're drinking and drugging at Babylon?” He demanded.  
  
“It's just a fucking beer!” Brian shouted.  
  
“Yeah. Just a fucking beer. Then what? Two? Three? A few shots of beam? And maybe a hit of Ecstasy from some tweaked out trick in the back room later?” Justin shot back.  
  
“What the fuck do you know?” Brian glared.  
  
“I'll tell you what I know. I know _you_. And if you think that one beer isn't going to lead to your usual drug habits, you're fucking lying to yourself. Especially during a time when you're stressed, like now,” Justin said, looking straight into Brian's eyes.  
  
Brian was about to tell the blond to fuck off, or protest or _something_ , but then it occurred to him to consider what Justin was saying. Justin did know him. And he was right. Brian hadn't backed off from drugs since leaving the hospital. He'd kept up with his usual 2 to 3 joints a day. He hadn't drank much only because of the medication he had been taking. His prescription had run out now though, and he'd gone right back to the booze.  
  
He sighed and then furrowed his brows at Justin, whose arms were folded across his chest and he was staring at him expectantly.  
  
“You know... I hate it when you're right,” Brian said. He then set his beer bottle on the bar, and called the bartender over. “Hey, Dave, can you please throw that out? I'm finished,” he told the man.  
  
Dave looked at him like he had grown a second head. Brian always finished his beer. He always finished any alcohol he ordered.  
  
“Okay then... you want a JB?” Dave asked.  
  
“Nope. I just quit,” Brian told him, but his eyes never left Justin's.  
  
Dave gave Brian a confused look, and then shook his head and took Brian's unfinished beer and walked away.  
  
“Wow, I'm impressed,” Justin said, his face remaining serious.  
  
“You should be,” Brian said.  
  
“Well, it would take a lot more to convince me that you're really serious about quitting,” Justin said.  
  
“I'm going to give it a shot,” Brian told him sincerely. This was something he had never done before. He had never tried to stop drinking. No one had ever cared enough to convince him to stop.  
  
He did it again. Justin always had a way of getting to him. Making him do things he wouldn't ordinarily do. But this time, it was a little different. Justin indeed was his motivator, but Brian himself, genuinely wanted to stop drinking. Not for someone else, but for himself. He wasn't going to get through this strange ordeal if his mind was clouded. This wasn't a time he needed to be numb. His senses had to be alert and his mind clear if his plan was going to work. Maybe if he could change some things, and prove that he could take better care of himself, God, or whoever, would send him back to his real life. Maybe this wasn't all just about Justin. Maybe this was a chance to fix himself. Once he was fixed or at least close to it, he could surely fix the other mistakes in his life.  
  
Brian smiled as he came to this new revelation. He felt so much better and suddenly had the urge to dance.  
  
“What are you smiling for?” Justin asked, amused.  
  
“Maybe I'll tell you, sometime. But now, I feel like dancing. Join me on the dance floor?” Brian asked. Justin smiled back at him.  
  
“Sure,” he said, and followed the brunet to the crowded floor where there were lots of half naked queers dancing and grinding against one another to the rhythmic techno beat blaring on the speakers.  
  
As Brian and Justin danced together, it took everything Brian had to resist pulling Justin closer and putting his hands all over him. This was so strange for him. In this world, he and Justin had never been together the way they were in his “real” life. He was used to touching the blond and kissing him all over, sucking on his salty flesh as they swayed on the dance floor, both of them lost in their own world. They would be oblivious to those who stood there and watched them, most of them with hard-ons, some of them seemingly plotting a way to get an invitation to go home with the hot couple for the fuck of their lives.  
  
It was almost like old times, here with Justin on the dance floor, and he longed to run his hands through those grown-out silky blond locks. Justin used to moan when he felt the brunette's hands in his hair, enjoying the soothing ticklish feeling as Brian's fingers moved along his scalp, giving him tingles and shivers that went up and down his spine, and made him hornier then ever. Sometimes they would practically be fucking right there on the dance floor as they devoured each other's mouth and grabbed at the other's body wherever they could. Sometimes they would rush to the back room for relief, but a lot of the time they went back to the loft to finish what they started, in private. It could be hot for them to fuck in a room full of hot and horny queers who were also fucking or just watching, but they sometimes liked to save their most intimate moments for just the two of them.  
  
Brian felt a pang in his chest as he thought about that. Being there with Justin was bringing back all of these feelings again, and it was making him crazy. He started to crave the burning amber liquid that had helped him deal with these feelings in the past. He fought with himself to just leave Justin there to dance alone while he ran to the bar to order a shot of Jim Beam. He literally started sweating at the thought of the strong booze running down his throat, creating that delicious burn that told him he was alive and kicking.  
  
Quitting drinking wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.  
  
“Brian? What's wrong?” Justin asked with a worried expression.  
  
“Nothing,” Brian answered, trying to act casual, but his eyes wouldn't stop averting to the direction of the bar. Justin turned around to see what Brian was looking at, and then looked back at the brunet knowingly.  
  
“Brian, I think maybe you should go home,” he said.  
  
“Yeah, I think maybe I will. This is probably not the best place to be at the moment,” he said, now feeling his mouth salivating.  
  
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.  
  
“No. I'm fine,” he assured the blond. He saw Michael approach them, and his eyes almost bugged out of their head when he saw who was standing next to his friend.  
  
“Sorry I took so long, guys. When I got out of the bathroom I ran into --”  
  
“Ben!” Brian exclaimed. The three of them stared at Brian.  
  
“Do you two know each other?” Michael asked.  
  
“Uh, Brian and I met at the White Party a couple of years ago,” Ben spoke up, and smiled at Brian a little nervously.  
  
“Oh uh, yeah. That's right. The White Party,” Brian said. Justin smirked, knowing that Brian and Ben had probably fucked. But it didn't explain Brian's strange behavior towards the man. Michael had a look of surprise and slight frown as he looked at his best friend.  
  
“Michael told me about a Brian, but I had no idea you were the same guy,” Ben admitted.  
  
“You were talking to him about me, Mikey?” Brian asked.  
  
“Um, yeah. It was during the time you were still in a coma. I was feeling really down and told him about what had happened to you,” Michael admitted.  
  
Brian eyed the two of them, noticing the slight nervous look on their faces. He knew his best friend, and had a feeling that talking about his coma wasn't the only thing that happened between Ben and Michael. Justin, though, was a good judgment in character, and he didn't seem upset by anything, so Brian thought that maybe he could be wrong about that.  
  
Maybe staying off the booze _was_ doing him some good. His mind seemed a lot more clear now, and he stood there thinking to himself. He knew what was wrong with this picture. It was obvious that Michael wasn't meant to be with Justin. He was supposed to be with Ben right now. He had always known Michael to be a very loyal person, and he never cheated on any of this boyfriends. For him to cheat on Justin would be very out of character for Michael, but it could happen if he was with the wrong person.  
  
He looked at Ben carefully, seeing the way he looked at Michael, and knew that the man wanted him. Brian started to think that maybe he wouldn't have to do all the work here, after all. Maybe some things would work out themselves while he was trying to fix himself. He could almost see what was to come of this situation, and he felt a little lighter.  
  
“Well, I'm going to take off,” Brian told them.  
  
“But you just got here,” Michael frowned.  
  
“Let him go, Michael. He needs to go home. Let's just leave it at that, okay?” Justin said sternly. Michael gave Justin a confused look but dropped it.  
  
“Okay. Well are you going to come with us again soon?” Michael asked.  
  
“Um, I don't think so, Mikey. But we can do something else,” Brian said, and kissed him on the mouth, and turned to walk away, but not before giving Justin a little wink and smile.  
  
“Something else? Like what?” Michael called out after him, as Brian walked away. Brian turned around and shrugged and then continued walking away and left the club, thinking about that.  
  
Hell if he knew what they would do. Most of their fun had consisted of getting drunk or high, or hanging out in places where you could choose to get drunk or high, such as Woodies and Babylon. It had been forever since they had actually done something different like go to the movies or bowling. That was something he enjoyed about Justin's company when they were together. He always wanted to do a variety of things, and was always up for doing something new and different. Brian found that he actually enjoyed going to museums and walking through the park. He remembered when they would take Gus with them and would eat hot dogs -- well, they always had to force Brian to eat one.  
  
Sometimes Justin would beg Brian to go with him to the park, claiming it gave him inspiration because it was so beautiful and there were lots of interesting things to sketch. He'd bring his sketchbook and Brian would bring his laptop, and they would spend a couple of hours there doing their own thing, but doing it together. Sometimes they hardly said anything at all to each other while there, but would sneak looks at each other once in a while and smile. He remembered when they would get horny and search for a dark and secluded place in the park to fuck just because they couldn't wait until they got back to the loft. He liked that Justin helped him discover new things about himself. He missed that about him. He missed him.  
  
He frowned when he thought about Justin's excitement about their trip to Vermont. The trip that they ended up not taking — at least not together. Justin had been so excited to go skiing, and stay in a cabin, not to mention fucking his brains out. Brian realized that things could have been so different. He could have made it work. He could have taken Justin with him to Chicago, convinced Mr. Brown to sign with Vanguard, and he and Justin could have left for Vermont from there. He certainly didn't expect to find Justin gone after he returned. He had wanted to share the good news with the blond. He actually had planned to take Justin to Vermont that night as a surprise. When he learned Justin had gone without him, his pride got in the way and he ended up staying in Pittsburgh fucking every hot piece of ass he could get his hands on the whole week Justin was gone. There was no way Brian Kinney was ever going to go after someone.  
  
Yeah, things could have been a lot different. It almost seemed kind of silly to him now. Pride could certainly make people act strangely, and to definitely make some not-so-wise decisions. After thinking about it some more, Brian realized that had he made a simple change, things might have turned out a lot differently. It was around that time that their problems had started brewing. Another mistake of his had been Justin's birthday “gift”. He had no idea what he was thinking there. Hiring a hustler that looked like Justin's favorite model seemed like a good idea at the time. Justin never said anything to him about it, but he could tell from the blond's behavior that he was disappointed. Maybe if he had stopped and bought Justin those roses he had wanted to buy for him, it might have taken the sting out of the his foolish “gift”, and he would know that Brian really did care about him, and not just about fucking.  
  
He felt his eyes fill up with tears as he drove to his loft. He was indeed finding out that he had regrets.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
 _“I've always known how you felt about me, Brian. I'm so sorry I tried to push you to say it.”_  
  
Brian opened his eyes and felt a tear fall down his cheek. Once again, Justin had spoken to him in his dreams. He had gotten used to it though, and actually found it very helpful and even comforting. He liked the idea of Justin staying with him in his heart and mind. The Justin in his dreams was the Justin from his “old” life. The “new” Justin didn't have a clue about their life together. It made it so difficult that way.  
  
He had made a decision to tell Justin that he had agreed with his theory that as a result of his head injury he confused his repressed feelings for the blond, with reality. He didn't really believe that, but if he continued to claim that Justin and him had been together in an alternate world, he would just think he was crazy.  
  
He would just try to start with a clean slate. He would work on fixing himself, and at the same time, do what he could to get closer to the blond — only this time, he would do things differently. He would try to do things the right way. That was his only option. For all he knew he was stuck here in this world, so he would make the most of it, and do his best to not fuck up this chance.  
  
Brian looked at the clock. 8:10 a.m. He had stayed up a while thinking about everything the night before. He was able to get more sleep though than the previous nights. He still hadn't gone back to work. He had no idea what was even going on there. He had Ted filling in for him, and whatever things he had to sign, Ted or Cynthia would drop by the loft and have him sign it. He wasn't quite ready to go back to work yet. He had too much on his mind to focus on work. He'd go back when things started to look up for him mentally and emotionally. He had to take care of that first before anything else.  
  
He had a lot on his plate today, and decided to get up. He had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Fritz at 11:00a.m. Then he planned on stopping at the diner for lunch... maybe Justin would be working the day shift. His afternoon was open for a few hours, but he planned to attend an AA/NA meeting that evening. It was recommended by the therapist he had seen shortly after he had woken up from the coma. He hadn't given it a second thought until he decided to actually quit the drugs and alcohol and found out how difficult it was to do it on his own. He decided that maybe going to a meeting would help him. He would at least just sit in and see what it was like and what went on.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
It had been kind of a long day for Justin. He had been working at the diner since 6:00a.m. and it was one of those days where things just didn't want to go right. The cappuccino machine had broken down, and he had a hard time trying to reach someone to come and repair it. The new waiter, Robby had been screwing up orders all day and had broken a few dishes. On top of that, these rowdy group of guys had come in around lunchtime and kept flirting with him and grabbing at his ass every time he walked by.  
  
He looked up to see Brian walk into the diner and smiled, happy to see a friendly and familiar face. Brian smiled back at him, and seated himself in a corner booth. Justin walked over to him immediately.  
  
“Hi.”  
  
“Hey, Sunshine. How's it going?” he asked.  
  
Justin rolled his eyes. “Don't ask. I'm about to either shoot someone or jump in front of a bus. It's a toss up right now,” Justin said, covering his face with his hands.  
  
“That bad, huh?” Brian laughed at Justin's dramatic sigh and grumble. Justin removed his hands from his face and glared at the brunet.  
  
“Great. Laugh it up. Take pleasure in my pain, asshole,” Justin said grumpily, which made Brian laugh harder, which ended up making Justin laugh along with him.  
  
“There you go. The Sunshine has returned,” Brian told him. Justin smiled back at him and shook his head. He couldn't figure out the brunet. He had been acting so strangely lately.  
  
“You're something else,” Justin told him.  
  
“What time do you get off?” Brian asked, avoiding his comment.  
  
“1:00p.m. Why?” he asked.  
  
“Do you have plans this afternoon?” Brian asked.  
  
“Well, not until 5:00. Did you have something in mind?” he asked.  
  
“I was actually thinking that maybe you'd like to take a walk in the park like we — I mean, I thought maybe you'd like to relax a bit. You could bring your sketchbook,” Brian suggested. He was relieved he had caught himself with that little slip up.  
  
Justin looked at Brian strangely.  
  
“A walk in the park?” he asked.  
  
“Yeah, I thought we could go there and talk for a bit,” Brian said. He saw the look on the blond's face and frowned. “Is that a no?” he asked.  
  
“No, I didn't say that — it's just that... well, you have to admit we've never done that sort of thing before. It just seems little out there,” Justin laughed.  
  
Brian was not amused. He was trying to make some progress with the blond, and he wasn't taking him seriously.  
  
“Look, do you want to go or not?”  
  
“Okay, okay, don't bite my fucking head off. Yes, I'll go. Do you want some lunch first?” he asked.  
  
“No, I was thinking we could pick up a hot dog from one of the vendors,” Brian said.  
  
Justin frowned and put his hand on his hip. Brian had to be joking.  
  
“A hot dog,” Justin repeated, with an arched brow.  
  
“Yes, a hot dog. Do you have a problem with that?” he asked defensively.  
  
Justin held back what he really wanted to say, which was, 'Who are you, and what have you done with Brian Kinney?' but he had a feeling that Brian wouldn't find that very funny, so instead he just smiled at the other man.  
  
“Not at all. Actually that sounds really good,” he answered.  
  
Brian smiled at him. “Great. I'll wait for you to get off in 20 minutes and we can leave,” Brian said.  
  
“All right,” Justin agreed.  
  
“Hey blondie, we'd like our check,” one of the rowdy guys from earlier called out.  
  
“That's not all we want,” one of them joked, and then they all laughed and made cat calls.  
  
Brian frowned at them, and then looked at Justin who was shaking his head.  
  
“Fucking assholes. They've been bugging me for the last hour and a half. I'm so glad this day is almost over,” he told Brian, and then left to get the check for the rowdy assholes.  
  
Brian watched as Justin brought the check to their table, and started fuming when he saw one of the men reach around to Justin's ass and give it a squeeze.  
  
“Don't fucking touch me, asshole!” Justin yelled. The other men at the table laughed.  
  
“Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it if I don't stop?” he asked.  
  
“Nothing, because _I'm_ going to be the one to fucking rip off your cock and shove it down your throat until you choke to death, mother fucker!” Brian shouted as he stood in front of Justin protectively. They all stared at him in surprise.  
  
“Oh, uh... hey Brian. I was just joking, you know?” the man said. Brian shook his head. He didn't want to hear it. He gave all the men at the table death glares. If looks could kill, they'd all be dead.  
  
“Shut the fuck up. Apologize to him and then get the fuck out of here,” Brian demanded.  
  
“S-sorry, Justin. We were just playing around, really. No hard feelings?” he asked.  
  
Justin shook his head slowly. “Don't let it happen again,” he said quietly.  
  
“If you touch him again you'll have me to deal with,” Brian warned. They all nodded at him and got up from the booth, but not before leaving the blond a huge tip. As they scurried out the door, Justin stared at Brian.  
  
“Wow, um... thanks,” he said.  
  
Brian just nodded, and then kissed his cheek. “I'll meet you at my Jeep,” he whispered, and walked out the door.  
  
Justin wondered if Brian Kinney's body was maybe taken over by aliens or something. Everything he did lately was so out of character. Not that he minded. He was interested in what else Brian would do. He was definitely full of surprises lately.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Brian and Justin were having a wonderful time as they sat under a tree and ate their hot dogs and talked. After a while, Justin took out his sketchpad and started doodling some random things in the park. A child on a swing; a bird drinking out of a water fountain; and one of Brian. He was an especially good subject to draw.  
  
Of course this wasn't the first time he had hung out with Brian. They had been friends for years. But they had never done this sort of thing before, and usually when they hung out, Michael was with them. There were times when Brian asked him if he wanted to meet at Woodie's for a game of pool or at Babylon for a couple of drinks and dancing, but this was definitely different. Brian was different. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he was feeling a little flutter in his stomach, and it was making him a little nervous.  
  
“This was a great idea, coming here,” Justin smiled, as he worked on Brian's sketch.  
  
“Yeah. I thought you'd like it,” Brian said, pleased that Justin was happy.  
  
“You know, Brian, this is dangerously close to what someone might call a date,” Justin teased with a laughing smile, knowing that Brian hated the thought of dating.  
  
“I suppose you're right, Sunshine. I don't really care what this is called; I just know that I'm having a good time and I like spending time with you,” he told him.  
  
Justin smiled. It seemed practically everything that came out of the other man's mouth continued to surprise him.  
  
“I'm having a good time too,” Justin told him honestly. They shared a smile, and then Justin turned his attention back to his sketch.  
  
After a few moments of silence, Brian hesitated, but then finally spoke. “Can I ask you a personal question, Justin?” Brian asked softly.  
  
Justin looked up from his task. “Since when have you ever asked if you could ask about anything personal? Usually you just do it,” he laughed.  
  
“I'm being serious,” Brian said.  
  
“Well, ask me, and I'll let you know if it's too personal,” he told him.  
  
Brian sighed. “Are you really happy with Michael?” he asked.  
  
Justin stared at Brian for a moment, then furrowed his brows. “What are you getting at, Brian?” he asked.  
  
“I just wanted to know.”  
  
“He's my boyfriend.”  
  
“That doesn't answer my question.”  
  
“Why do you want to know?” he asked.  
  
“Because I want to be sure you're happy,” Brian said truthfully.  
  
“I love him,” Justin said quietly.  
  
Brian looked away and frowned. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Hearing Justin say he loved someone else, especially when that someone else was his best friend, made his heart feel like it was shattering into a million pieces.  
  
“But are you happy, Justin?” Brian asked again.  
  
Justin sighed. “We have our problems. I mean, what couple doesn't? We'll work through them though,” Justin told him. Brian was surprised he revealed that much.  
  
“What sort of problems?” he asked.  
  
“He's just... well he's been a little distant lately. Whenever I ask him what's going on he says it's nothing, but I know something is wrong,” Justin said.  
  
“When did this start happening?” Brian asked.  
  
“I started to notice about a week before you went into the coma, and then when you were in the hospital, it got worse. I thought it was because he was so upset about you, but when you were released from the hospital, he was still the same. I mean, I guess it wasn't as bad, but he was still acting a bit strange,” Justin said.  
  
Brian nodded. He had a pretty good guess as to why Michael was behaving that way.  
  
“Do me a favor and don't tell Michael I said anything. He gets upset when I bring it up, and I'm trying to do my part in making things less tense for us,” Justin said. He look a bit upset since they had started talking about his relationship with Michael, and Brian felt bad about that. He hadn't meant to put the blond in a bad mood. They were supposed to be having a good time, and they had been until he opened his big mouth.  
  
“All right, I won't tell him you said anything,” Brian promised.  
  
That didn't mean he wouldn't talk to Michael about what the fuck was going on, though. If he was cheating on Justin he wanted to kick his ass. Justin had been hurt enough — okay maybe not in this life, but in his other life, and Brian didn't want him to get hurt again. He could tell that he really cared about Michael. Even though it was possible it might work against him, he had to talk to Michael about treating Justin better. If Michael was indeed fucking around with Ben like he suspected, he had to tell him to either stop or end his relationship with Justin. It wasn't fair to either of them.  
  
Brian's thoughts were interrupted by Justin's cell phone ringing.  
  
“Hey, Mike,” Justin answered. Brian tried to pretend he wasn't listening, but couldn't help but hang on every word that was spoken.  
  
“What? Again? Michael, we were supposed to meet Mel and Linds for dinner tonight. They said they needed to talk to us about something important,” Justin said into the phone with frustration.  
  
Brian's ears perked up. Melanie was going to ask Michael to be the father of her baby. He was surprised they hadn't done it yet. Michael must have been putting it off with all the extra time he was spending doing other things.  
  
“Well, you know what Michael, you seem to care a lot more about that lately than working on your own fucking work. We haven't worked on the comic for weeks. We've got to do it; we need the money. Even with you owning the comic store and me working full time at the diner, we're barely scraping by,” Justin pointed out.  
  
Brian sneaked a look at Justin, and immediately recognized the look on his face. It was the face he made when he was extremely disappointed. Brian knew that face all too well.  
  
“All right, then I guess I'll see you when I see you,” Justin finally said, and then ended the call. He looked down and exhaled loudly.  
  
“Are you okay?” Brian asked hesitantly.  
  
“Not really. Would you mind taking me home? I've got some things to take care,” Justin said quietly.  
  
“Uh, yeah, sure,” Brian answered.  
  
They got up and headed for the Jeep. When Brian pulled up to the building that Michael lived in, he put the car in park, and placed his hand on Justin's shoulder.  
  
“If you need anything, give me a call,” he offered.  
  
Justin nodded. “Thanks. I had a good time, Brian. We should go out again, some time,” he smiled.  
  
“I'd like that,” Brian smiled back.  
  
“You know, I had a feeling the real Brian Kinney was in there somewhere. Thanks for proving me right,” Justin said, and then got out of the Jeep and walked into the building.  
  
Brian thought about what Justin said, and chuckled. He guessed Justin was right. He hadn't really changed too much. He was still himself, he just didn't hide everything he was thinking. He was known for not holding anything back. Now he was still doing that, but in a way he wasn't before. Yes, things would fall into place.  
  
He briefly looked up through the sunroof of his Jeep at the blue sky and smiled.  
  
“I'll make it right,” he whispered, and then drove off toward his loft.


	4. Accusations

Justin and Michael walked into their apartment just after 9:00p.m. They had just come from Lindsay and Melanie's house. Michael had said that he was going to be late, so they ended up going later than they had originally planned; something which Justin was still pissed about.  
  
Justin shrugged out of his coat and hung it up and then walked to the kitchen and turned on the light in there.  
  
“Well that was an evening of conversation I didn't quite expect,” Michael said, hanging up his own coat, and then following Justin into the kitchen, where the blond was pouring himself a glass of iced tea.  
  
“Yeah, you could say that,” Justin answered quietly, not looking up at at his boyfriend.  
  
“I mean, I would have expected them to ask Brian, not me.”  
  
Justin looked up at Michael and smirked.  
  
“Yeah, because Melanie loves Brian so much and would like nothing more than to have his baby,” he said sarcastically.  
  
Michael sighed, not missing the blond's slightly irritated tone.  
  
“Well, you know. I thought maybe Lindsay would have talked Mel into it. I mean, I thought they would want Gus' sibling to be related him,” Michael answered.  
  
“Well, I guess it doesn't matter that much to them. Melanie is the one having the baby, it's only fair that she choose who the father is, and she chose you,” Justin told him, and then took a sip from his glass.  
  
“Well, I'll definitely give it some thought,” he said more to himself.  
  
Justin nodded. He then eyed the answering machine, seeing that the red light was blinking, indicating that there were messages.  
  
“Mike, the machine is blinking, why don't you check our messages,” Justin told Michael, who nodded and walked over to the answer machine and pressed the play button. The machine notified that there was one message, then named off the the time and date before the actual message started playing.  
  
 _“Hey, Michael, it's Ben. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your help and input with that problem I was having with my chapter. I finally finished it, and I really have you to thank for that. I would like to thank you properly by maybe having you and Justin over for dinner one night this week. Give me a call tomorrow and let me know. All right, I'll hope to hear back from you. Goodnight.”_  
  
Justin had been watching Michael carefully, and tried not to be jealous of the way his face lit up at the sound of Ben's voice. He was wearing a big grin on his face as he looked back at Justin.  
  
“That was nice of him. What do you think, babe? Could you maybe squeeze in dinner with Ben sometime this week?” Michael asked.  
  
“I don't know, Michael. I'm going to be kind of busy with school and projects, and I'm working a lot of evening shifts at the diner this week,” Justin answered. He saw his boyfriend's face drop with disappointment.  
  
“Oh. Well maybe some other time,” Michael said. Justin briefly nodded.  
  
“I'm going to go take a shower,” he said quietly, and left the room before Michael had a chance to say anything else. He didn't really need to take a shower; he had already taken one before they left for the Lindz and Mel's house. He just had to be alone to think.  
  
When Justin came out of the bathroom and walked into the bedroom that he and Michael shared, he saw that his boyfriend was already tucked into bed and waiting for him. He started to dry himself completely, applied his deodorant, and then pulled on a pair of sweatpants before climbing into the bed to join his lover.  
  
Michael was staring at him curiously.  
  
“You've been in a real mood tonight. Is there something you want to say to me, Justin?” he asked quietly. Justin raised a brow at his boyfriend.  
  
“I should be asking you that,” Justin answered, and stared at Michael almost accusingly.  
  
“What? What does that mean?” he asked.  
  
“I guess we're going to finally talk about this. But you know, in order to do that you are going to have to stop lying to me and just tell me what the fuck is going on,” Justin said.  
  
Michael blinked with surprise. He didn't expect this to turn around on him -- and so quickly. Obviously, from look in his eyes and his tone, Justin had been brewing for a while, and was ready to explode. He seemed eager to get this all out in the open.  
  
“I'm not sure what you mean,” Michael said cautiously.  
  
Justin rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. He was tired of Michael pretending that things were fine when they obviously weren't. He tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but when Michael was too quiet, or not as affectionate, and came home late most nights, he was being forced to try to guess what may be wrong with him.  
  
Maybe Michael was tired; Maybe he was worried about money; Maybe he was just having a bad day; Maybe he did something to upset him; Maybe... he was seeing someone else. Something was going on, and if Michael didn't tell him what it was soon, he was going to drive himself crazy with paranoia.  
  
“You've been acting strange for weeks now, and every time I ask you what is wrong, you always say it's nothing. Bullshit. I want you to tell me the truth,” Justin said seriously, his eyes searching Michael's for some kind of answer.  
  
“Me? And what about you? You've been acting weird ever since you went to see Brian after he got out of the hospital,” Michael shot back.  
  
“Why are you trying to turn this around on me? Brian has nothing to do with this. I want to know what is going on, Michael,” Justin said, feeling his anger rise.  
  
“Did you fuck him?” Michael suddenly demanded. Justin's jaw dropped as he looked at Michael in shock.  
  
“What?” he asked incredulously.  
  
“Answer the question. Did you fuck Brian?” he asked.  
  
“Is that what your problem is? You think I slept with Brian?” Justin asked.  
  
“You haven't answered the question,” Michael said.  
  
“Of course I didn't. How could you ever think I would do that? He's your best friend,” Justin said.  
  
“Well, with all that stuff he was saying when he woke up about you and him being together, and with both of you acting so strangely, what was I supposed to think?” Michael said.  
  
“Uh, maybe for starters, that you should trust me? You should have talked to me about this sooner, Michael,” Justin said, feeling completely exasperated.  
  
“I know... I just didn't know how to bring it up,” Michael told him.  
  
“Look, never mind what Brian said when he came out of the coma. He told me later that he was very confused when he woke up. Nothing has ever happened between Brian and I while I've been with you, I swear,” Justin told him.  
  
“What the fuck are you telling me? That you were with him before?” Michael asked angrily. Justin looked away guiltily and didn't say anything.  
  
“Oh my God, you were, weren't you?” he asked. Justin looked back at him and nodded.  
  
“Yes. It was just once. Before you and I were together.”  
  
“I can't fucking believe this,” Michael shouted, and held his head in his hands. Then something else occurred to him. “Oh my God. It was him. He was your first. He was the one who broke your heart,” Michael said, looking at Justin.  
  
“Mike --”  
  
“You weren't ever going to tell me, were you?”  
  
Justin shook his head.  
  
“No. He had made it clear that he didn't want a boyfriend. When you and I got together, he and I decided to just make it all water under the bridge, and we became friends,” Justin said. Michael shook his head.  
  
“I can't believe you two lied to me all this time,” Michael said.  
  
“It doesn't change anything, Mike. You and I are together and I love you,” he said, softly.  
  
Michael stared at the blond for a while, not saying anything. After a while of silence he looked down at his hands and finally spoke.  
  
“I kissed Ben,” Michael said quietly. Justin felt a range of emotions hit him all at once.  
  
“You what?” he asked, feeling his heart about to explode in his chest.  
  
“I... kissed Ben,” Michael repeated in almost a whisper.  
  
“W-what does that mean, Mike? Is this part of the reason why you've been so distant lately -- because you want to be with him; is that it?” Justin asked, scared of what the answer would be. Michael looked in Justin's eyes sadly.  
  
“I don't know,” he said quietly, shaking his head.  
  
Justin could practically hear his heart breaking, and suddenly he felt the room closing in on him. He had to get the hell out of there before he did or said something he regretted. He got up out of bed and sought out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.  
  
“Justin? What are you doing?” Michael asked, his face with worry.  
  
“I just... I've got to get out of here,” Justin muttered, and continued to get dressed, hastily.  
  
“Justin, don't leave. Please. Let's talk about this,” Michael pleaded.  
  
“I can't. Not right now. I need some time. Just please, leave me alone so I can get myself together. I'll talk to you when I'm ready,” Justin told him sternly, and finished tying his shoe laces. He grabbed his hoodie and car keys, and left a stunned Michael still sitting in their bed.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
 _Brian, wake up. I need you,”_ Justin's voice pleaded.  
  
Justin needs me? I've got to wake up, Brian thought. He opened his eyes, and heard the loud knocking on his loft door. He frowned as he looked at the digital clock reading 3:05, and wondered who the Hell could be there at this time of night. Could it really be Justin? Did Justin need him right now? He quickly got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans, carelessly leaving the top button undone, and rushed to the door. He was shocked to see Justin standing there, eyes red and puffy, and from the smell of it, obviously drunk.  
  
“Justin? What happened?” he asked.  
  
“I'm sorry, I don't even know why I came here,” Justin sniffled, and then looked away in embarrassment.  
  
“Come on,” Brian said. He took him by the hand and pulled him into the heated apartment and closed the heavy metal door behind them. He lead him over to the sofa, and sat him down.  
  
“Don't move,” Brian said, and went to the kitchen. He came back with an opened bottle of water and gave it to the blond. “Drink,” he instructed.  
  
Justin didn't argue with him. He put the bottle to his mouth and tilted his head back a bit to let the cool water run down his throat.  
  
They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Brian was letting Justin sober up a bit before he started his line of questioning.  
  
When Justin finished the bottle of water, Brian took it from him.  
  
“Feel better now?” he asked.  
  
“Not really,” Justin said.  
  
“Do you feel sick?” Brian asked.  
  
Justin shook his head. His eyes did not meet Brian's. He seemed to be off in his own world. “I couldn't do it,” he mumbled.  
  
“Couldn't do what?” Brian asked curiously.  
  
“Tall, dark hair, blue eyes, hot body. He was there, on his knees. His hand was on my dick and his mouth was open...”  
  
Brian watched as Justin's eyes filled up with tears, looking back at him helplessly. “Go on,” he urged.  
  
“I pushed him away. I couldn't do it. I wanted to. Fuck, I really wanted to, but I just couldn't,” Justin said.  
  
Brian's brows furrowed a bit. He had no idea what Justin was talking about and was confused as to what the fuck was going on. “You pushed who away, Justin?” he asked.  
  
“The trick at Babylon,” Justin said quietly.  
  
“Why were you at Babylon picking up a trick?” Brian asked, more confused than ever.  
  
“I was upset,” Justin said.  
  
“Obviously. You know, you could be a little less vague. It might make this go a lot faster,” Brian said, giving him a little smile. Justin didn't smile back at him.  
  
“I thought it might make me feel better. Or justified... But at that moment, I knew it wouldn't. I would just feel worse. Two wrongs don't make a right,” Justin said.  
  
“What are you not telling me?” Brian asked.  
  
“Michael... he told me that he kissed Ben,” Justin finally said.  
  
Brian nodded.  
  
“And from the guilty look on his face, it wasn't just a little friendly kiss that occurred. He's obviously... distraught,” Justin said.  
  
When Brian didn't say anything, Justin looked up at him. “You don't seem surprised. Did you know about this?” he asked.  
  
Brian shook his head. “No, not for certain. I had my suspicions.”  
  
“Why didn't you say anything to me about it?”  
  
“Because it wasn't my place. Besides, I didn't know if it was true or not. After you told me that Michael was acting weird, I was going to try to find out what was going on with him. Now I guess we know,” Brian said.  
  
“He's fucking insane. You know he had the audacity to turn it around on me? When I asked him what was going on with him he said that I had been acting strange since you woke up from your coma. And then — you're not going to believe this. He actually asked if I fucked you,” Justin snorted, and shook his head.  
  
“Wow. What did you tell him?” Brian asked.  
  
“I told him the truth. I know you and I agreed we wouldn't say anything to him, but he seemed to think that something was going on between us, and so I told him the truth. I said that you and I were together before he and I were, and that nothing has ever happened between us since,” Justin relayed.  
  
“I see,” Brian said quietly. “Was he really upset?”  
  
“Yeah, he was. I think that was why he told me about Ben. Like as some sort of punishment or something.”  
  
“What's going on with him and Ben? I mean — well, is he gonna --” Brian paused.  
  
“Leave me for him?” Justin finished.  
  
Brian nodded.  
  
“I asked him, and he said he didn't know,” Justin said, the tears flowing.  
  
Brian didn't think twice when he pulled Justin in a hug and held him for a while, letting the younger man cry against his chest. His heart broke for the blond. He never wanted Justin to get hurt. He knew exactly what this felt like. He remembered how he felt when he found out that Justin was seeing Ethan behind his back. He couldn't be upset about that right now though. _This_ Justin didn't do anything to do deserve this. Brian briefly wondered if this was how karma worked? Was this happening to Justin because he had done it to someone else in his other life? Brian shook those thoughts away. It didn't matter right now.  
  
After a while the sobbing stopped, and Justin's body became calm, and his breathing even. Brian didn't have to look at his face to know that he had fallen asleep in his arms. He continued to hold him for a few minutes, not wanting to disturb him. Finally, he carefully eased Justin off of him and maneuvered him so that he was laying flat on the sofa and then removed his shoes. He then got up and retrieved a pillow from his bed, and grabbed an extra blanket from his closet and brought them over to the sleeping blond. He carefully placed the pillow under Justin's head and covered his body with the blanket.  
  
He stared at the blond's exhausted, tear-streaked, sleeping face, and gently wiped away any dampness from his cheeks with his thumb. Justin never once stirred. He then planted a kiss on the top of the blond head, and walked back into his bedroom, closing the door so he wouldn't wake the younger man.  
  
He sighed and picked up his cell phone from his night stand and dialed a familiar number.  
  
“Mikey,” Brian said sternly.  
  
“Brian? Is Justin with you?” he asked, his voice full of worry.  
  
“He's here. He just knocked on my door about 45 minutes ago. I just wanted to call and tell you that he's here, and he's okay,” Brian said. He was about to hang up, when Michael started talking.  
  
“Why you?” Michael asked suddenly, with a jealous tone.  
  
“What do you mean? Why not me?” Brian asked defensively.  
  
“He has Daphne or Emmett, or even my mother to go to. Of all the people he could seek comfort in, why did he go to you — his ex-lover?” Michael asked.  
  
“Cut the shit, Michael. He didn't come over here to fuck me, if that's what you're thinking. He's a lot more loyal than you are,” Brian spat.  
  
“Right, loyal. Why should I believe anything you have to say? You two have been lying to me for years. You never said that you fucked him. That you took his virginity,” Michael accused.  
  
“Maybe because it was none of your fucking business. It's just like you to fucking blame someone else and not find any fault on your own part. He didn't cheat on you, Mikey, and for some fucked up, twisted reason he loves you. Tell me, Michael. How is it that this is all his fault and you're not in the least to blame for fucking Ben?” Brian asked.  
  
“Fucking Ben — I... I didn't. I only kissed him,” Michael said.  
  
“Right. How well do I know you, Mikey? You wouldn't have been acting all nervous and withdrawn over a little kiss,” Brian pointed out.  
  
“Look, it didn't get that far, okay? And that's the truth, I swear. We stopped... I stopped,” Michael said.  
  
“Who gives a shit? You still cheated, and you lied. How is that not worse?” Brian demanded.  
  
“It's none of your fucking business,” Michael hissed.  
  
“The fuck it isn't! He's always been my business, Mikey. Now I don't know what is going on between you and the professor, but you get your shit straight and either end it with him or end it with Justin. It's not right to drag either of them along,” Brian said.  
  
“Since when have you ever tried to give me advice on relationships? You've never had one in your life. Who the fuck are you to tell me how to handle this?”  
  
Brian closed his eyes in frustration. Michael didn't know him anymore. He couldn't very well say that he knew from experience how ugly situations like this could end up.  
  
“Just trust, me. I know what I'm talking about,” Brian told him.  
  
“Whatever. Look, can you just tell him to come home? We need to work this out,” Michael said.  
  
“He's asleep, Michael. Leave him alone for tonight. He'll come home when he's ready,” Brian said, and then hung up the phone. He felt like screaming at his best friend.  
  
Sure, he could think of this as an opportunity. If Michael left Justin for Ben, that would leave his blond available to pursue. On the other hand, Justin would be upset and might pull away from him. It might take him forever to be ready for another relationship, and even if/when he was, who was to say that he would even consider Brian?  
  
Brian shed off his jeans and climbed into his bed. He would try to get back to sleep and think more about everything tomorrow.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
 _“I miss you so much. Brian?”_  
  
“Brian?”  
  
Brian opened his eyes to see Justin standing over him. Justin. He was really there. His dreams were starting to mix with reality, and it was a little strange to him.  
  
“Hey,” Brian smiled.  
  
“Hi,” Justin said back.  
  
“How did you sleep?” Brian asked.  
  
“All right. Your sofa is pretty comfortable,” Justin said.  
  
“Yeah, you used to — I mean, Mikey used to sleep on it all the time when he brought me home when I was smashed,” Brian said, covering up yet another slip.  
  
Justin bit his lip, and then looked up at Brian. “Look, I'm sorry about last night...” he said, with a slight embarrassment.  
  
“What are you sorry for?” Brian asked.  
  
“For just showing up and making you listen to my problems and just dealing with me,” he answered.  
  
Brian sat up and pulled Justin down so that he was sitting with him on his bed. He looked into his eyes and smiled. “Justin, I'm glad you came to me. Any time you need me, I'll be here, okay? Don't ever forget that,” Brian said calmly.  
  
Justin gave him his sunshine smile, and nodded. He'd never seen this side of Brian. Yes, the surprises just continued on coming. “Thank you,” he answered, and leaned in to kiss Brian's cheek.  
  
Brian felt his heart warm and flutter at the feel of Justin's lips on his skin. Oh, how he missed those lips. “Your welcome. Have you, uh, given any thought about what you're going to do?” Brian asked.  
  
“Well, I suppose I should go home and talk to Michael and see what he has to say for himself. See what he wants,” Justin said sadly. “I'm just afraid that when I do, that his choice is not going to be me,” he sighed, trying to keep his emotions in check.  
  
“If he doesn't choose you, then he is a fucking fool,” Brian said sincerely.  
  
“God, but everything will be so fucked up. We have the comic book, and the store... I help him with the rent and bills and mortgage. He can't do that all on his own,” Justin said.  
  
'Ah, Sunshine. Even when you're hurting, you're still worried about other people, even when it's someone who hurt you,' Brian thought.  
  
“Well, that's the choice he's making if he decides that he wants someone else,” Brian told him.  
  
Justin nodded. “I'm going to go now. I just wanted to say thanks for last night,” he smiled sincerely.  
  
“No problem at all. You know my cell number; call me if you want to do something later, or if you just want to talk,” Brian offered. Justin nodded thankfully, and then left the loft.  
  
Brian was beginning to love being compassionate. Even though it was totally lesbianic, as long as he made his Sunshine smile, he didn't care. It was more than worth it.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
“All right, everyone, thank you for coming tonight. I'll be here again on Monday afternoon, and hope to see you all then,” Blake announced. Everyone nodded and stood up to either chat with other people there or to leave.  
  
“Hey, Brian,” Blake smiled, walking up to the brunet. Brian looked at Blake and nodded at him, not really happy that it was him who happened to be the NA counselor.  
  
“I just wanted to say how glad I am that you're attending these meetings on your own. A lot of people only go to them when they're forced to by a court order. It's very admirable of you to take this step,” Blake said with a smile.  
  
“Thanks,” Brian mumbled, and then looked towards the door. He wanted out of there _now_. It was bad enough going to the GLC, which he already loathed, but being around all of these people with lives just as fucked up as his or worse, was a lot to take in. And now, Blake, the former tweaked out twink who caused Ted to overdose on GHB was telling him how proud he was that he was attending these meetings. Good grief.  
  
“Will I be seeing you on Monday?” Blake asked with interest.  
  
“Perhaps,” Brian answered, his eyes glancing toward the exit.  
  
“Okay, well take care. Have a good weekend,” Blake said with a smile, and patted Brian on the back before walking away to talk to another person in need of some overly polite enthusiasm. Brian shuddered and hurried out of the GLC. The place was giving him the creeps. He guessed there were still some things that would probably never change.  
  
Brian glanced at his watch and saw that it was after 6. Justin would be working at the diner right now, and he was feeling a bit hungry after all those tears and woe stories. He got into his Jeep and drove to the Liberty Diner.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Justin saw Brian walk into the diner and smiled. It was really the only thing he had to smile about that day. Brian gave him a little wink and then sat down in his usual corner booth and waited for Justin to come over to him.  
  
“Hi, I didn't expect to see you here tonight,” Justin told him.  
  
“Yeah, well I was over at the jeelsee, and decided to come by,” Brian said, hoping that Justin wouldn't catch his mumbled word as he tried to casually cover his mouth as he said it.  
  
“Wait, what did you say?” Justin asked in disbelief.  
  
“I said I was at the jilsee,” Brian mumbled again, trying to disguise the dreaded word even better.  
  
“The GLC? You were at the GLC? Why?” Justin asked, amused now.  
  
“Because I started attending NA and AA meetings there,” Brian admitted with a sigh.  
  
Justin gave Brian an impressed look.  
  
“Wow, Brian, that's great! I guess I should have taken you seriously when you said you were going to quit,” Justin told him.  
  
“Well, I'm not cured yet, but I'm trying,” Brian told him honestly. “And just so you know, I still can't stand the fucking place,” Brian shuddered.  
  
“The fact that you're making the effort is what's important. I'm so happy for you,” Justin said sincerely. Brian smiled at him. He'd never admit it, but he was glad that Justin was proud of him.  
  
“So what can I get you?” Justin asked, ready to take Brian's order with his pad and pen.  
  
“Just a garden salad without the crutons; Italian dressing on the side, and a cup of your vegetable soup; no soda crackers,” Brian told him.  
  
“Okay,” Justin nodded, scribbling Brian's order on his pad. “Anything to drink?” he asked.  
  
“Ice water with a slice of lemon,” Brian said.  
  
“Okay, I'll be back soon,” Justin said, and gave him a smile before sending off Brian's order to the cook.  
  
“I hope so,” Brian muttered to himself.  
  
After Justin brought Brian's food to him, he sat in the booth across from the brunet. Brian looked at him questioningly.  
  
“I'm on my 15 minute break,” Justin explained. “You don't mind, do you?” he asked.  
  
“No, be my guest,” Brian smiled. Justin nodded and smiled at Brian, watching him pour his Italian dressing evenly onto his salad and then take a bite.  
  
“So, am I allowed to ask what happened with Michael, or do you prefer to not talk about it?” Brian asked. Justin's expression turned sad, and he looked at his hands.  
  
“He was upset that I came to your place after our fight,” Justin admitted.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“Did you talk to him?”  
  
“Yeah, after you fell asleep I called him to tell him where you were so he wouldn't worry,” Brian said, and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “So what else did he say?” Brian asked and then took another bite of his salad.  
  
“Well, he told me that he has feelings for Ben, but that he still loves me. He's confused,” Justin said sadly. Brian hated to see his blond so upset.  
  
“I'm sorry,” Brian said, before he could stop himself. Wait... Did he just apologize? What happened to 'sorry is bullshit'?  
  
Justin stared at Brian, taking notice of his strange expression after just having said he was sorry.  
  
“It's okay, it's not your fault. Thanks, though,” Justin said quietly. He chewed on his thumbnail a bit and seemed to be deep in thought. He saw Brian staring at him expectantly, and sighed.  
  
“He's actually out with him right now,” Justin finally said.  
  
Brian dropped his fork, causing it to chime against his salad bowl. “He what?” Brian asked, not sure if he heard right.  
  
“He's having dinner with Ben,” Justin told him.  
  
“That son of a bitch --” Brian spat, and reached for his cell phone to ream out his best friend.  
  
“Brian, don't. I told him to. He needs to figure out what he wants. He's going to talk to Ben,” Justin said softly. Brian calmed down and then took a sip of his water.  
  
Brian just couldn't fathom how anyone could choose someone else over Justin. He was an amazing person. He cared so much about others, and gave of himself willingly and wholeheartedly. He was brilliant, levelheaded, fun to be with, hardworking, and by far the best lover Brian had ever been with.  
  
He knew people wanted Justin and admired him from afar -- Daphne, Chris Hobbs, the trick he stole from Brian after the King of Babylon contest, the virgin from the frat party, and undoubtedly many others — they all wanted Justin. And finally, the fucking fiddler came into the picture. Ethan had seen the pick of the litter and didn't waste any time going after what he wanted.  
  
So, how was it that Michael could pick someone else over Justin, when he had everything anyone could ever want in a boyfriend right in front of him already?  
  
That's when it hit him. It was hypocritical for him to think that way. He did it himself, tons of times. He slept with tricks all the time when he was with Justin. Though he didn't do it as much as when he was single, nevertheless, he still did it, and often. It was habit of his, among others that he refused to let go. It wasn't that Justin wasn't enough for him. He was more than enough. It was just that he had to prove to himself and everyone else that he was still Brian Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue. He had a reputation. That, and he was addicted. Sex was just as much or more of an addiction to him than drugs and alcohol were. It was another form of pain management he had used countless times over the years.  
  
He suddenly felt sick to his stomach.  
  
“Brian? Are you okay?” Justin asked, seeing Brian's expression. He seemed to have conflicting thoughts going on in his head, and looked spaced out. Justin doubted Brian had heard anything he had said in the last 2 or 3 minutes. He wasn't even answering him right now.  
  
“ _Brian_?” Justin asked again, his voice more aggressive, this time. Brian then looked at him and blinked.  
  
“What?” he asked.  
  
“Are you okay? You looked upset, just now,” Justin told him.  
  
Brian wiped his mouth, and then set on the table.  
  
“Yeah. Um, I've got to go,” he said, and stood up.  
  
“Well did you want me to put your soup in a container? You didn't touch it,” Justin pointed out.  
  
“No, that's okay,” he answered, and then threw some bills on the table. “I'll talk to you later,” he said.  
  
“Okay...” Justin said, and watched Brian rush out of the diner. He frowned at the man's strange behavior. He wondered what was going on with the brunet. It was like being around a complete stranger. He started to think maybe Brian had multiple personalities as a result from his head injury. Or maybe he was bipolar. Who knew?  
  
Justin shook his head, and started to clear the table Brian had been sitting at. He would probably never understand Brian Kinney.


	5. Down In The Dumps

Justin sat behind the computer, busily working on the inventory for the Comic store. The flow of customers had been fairly slow, as it usually was in the evenings, and he glanced at the wall clock, seeing it was almost time for closing. He actually wished that his day had been longer. It had gone so fast, and now he had to close down shop and go home to a tense environment. He hated that things were so stressed between him and Michael since their fight.  
  
Justin looked up from his task when he heard the bell on the door chime, indicating that someone was entering the store.  
  
His body went slightly stiff and though he felt a cold chill run down his spine, he tried his best to seem unaffected by the man's presence.  
  
“Michael's not here,” Justin said, and then turned his attention back to his computer.  
  
“I know. I came here to speak with you,” Ben said calmly.  
  
“I don't see how we have anything to say to each other,” Justin said.  
  
“I just... I wanted to let you know that I never wanted to come between you and Michael,” Ben said.  
  
Justin finally looked up at the handsome man, seeing no trace of insincerity. He knew that Ben was a genuinely nice guy, and that he probably meant well. Still, that didn't mean he had to make nice with the guy. He wasn't comfortable talking to him about the situation.  
  
“Does it really matter?” Justin asked.  
  
“Well, from your perspective, I guess it wouldn't. I guess I just didn't want you to misread things. I wasn't after him, or anything. I'm not the type of person to steal away someone else's lover,” Ben told him.  
  
“I really don't see any point in discussing this,” Justin said, irritatedly.  
  
Ben sighed. He really did feel badly about the situation. He never meant for anyone to get hurt, including himself. It wasn't a good predicament for any of them. He was at risk of getting hurt if Michael decided to choose Justin over him. He had already fallen in love with the brunet, and they shared an intense connection — one he'd never felt so strongly with anyone else.  
  
No matter what, someone was going to be left out in the cold.  
  
“The point is, people can't help who they fall in love with. It would be a lot easier if I didn't feel anything but lust for Michael, but that isn't the case. My feelings for him run pretty deep,” Ben admitted.  
  
“I still don't understand why you feel the need to tell me any of this,” Justin said. He just wanted Ben to leave.  
  
“I already told you... I didn't want you to think I had ulterior motives from the beginning. I understand these things happen sometimes, but it's never happened with me before,” Ben explained.  
  
Justin crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Ben with amused eyes. “Are you telling me all of this so that you won't have to feel guilty about wrecking a two and a half year relationship?” Justin laughed. “Because if that's the case, don't bother. You don't have to justify yourself to me. I'm sure if this works out in your favor, the big guy in the sky won't knock off too many points on your behalf. After all, you can hardly be blamed for falling in love,” Justin said coolly.  
  
Justin hadn't meant to sound so harsh, but he had a big headache, and he was so stressed and frustrated. Ever since this whole thing started his emotions had been all over the place. He wanted it all to be over with.  
  
Ben looked down at his feet and let out a weak and slightly annoyed laugh, after Justin's comment. Still, he remained cool, calm and collected.  
  
“I can understand why you would be bitter towards me,” Ben said.  
  
“Could you, really?” Justin sighed and then stared back at the man with a serious expression.  
  
“Look, Ben. This isn't only about you. Michael is a big boy. We share an apartment, finances, a bed... we have a partnership in business. He's been my lover, family and best friend for two and a half years, and while I was trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with him, do you know what he told me every time I asked?” Justin asked looking at Ben, who just stood there, listening. He didn't answer Justin, he knew he didn't need to.  
  
“Exactly. He said nothing. I'm more angry at his dishonesty and the fact that he didn't come and talk to me about any of this, than I am that he has feelings for you. I asked him time and time again what was wrong, and he kept lying to me. The only reason it finally came out is because I forced him to tell me by getting angry.”  
  
Ben stared at Justin, a little taken aback at having learned that Michael had been lying to his partner. He could see how Justin would be really upset with him. He would have been too.  
  
“I'm sorry he wasn't honest with you,” Ben said quietly.  
  
“Don't apologize for him; it's not your responsibility,” Justin frowned.  
  
Ben looked at the floor and nodded. “Maybe I overstepped my bounds by coming here,” he said in a low voice.  
  
“I think in some very small way there's a part of me that can appreciate what you're trying to do, but just so you know, you're really not taking the sting out of this situation by doing it,” Justin told him.  
  
“Point taken,” Ben said with a nod.  
  
“So, uh, I'm just wrapping up here; it's closing time,” Justin said, hoping Ben would take that as his cue to leave.  
  
At that moment they both turned at the sound of the chiming door, only to see Michael walking through it. He looked from Justin to Ben in surprise.  
  
“What's going on?” Michael asked.  
  
Justin remained emotionless and didn't say a word.  
  
“Nothing. I was just leaving,” Ben said.  
  
Michael still looked at them stunned, wondering what words might have been exchanged between the two men.  
  
Ben nodded his goodbye at them and then left.  
  
“What was he doing here?” Michael asked Justin.  
  
“You can ask him to tell you when you talk to him; I'm tired, Michael,” Justin sighed.  
  
“I think we need to talk,” Michael said softly.  
  
“I've been waiting for you to say that to me,” Justin said quietly. “Let me flip over the closed sign and lock the door first,” Justin said.  
  
Michael nodded and then took a quick walk through the store and straightened up anything that was out of place. By the time he was done doing that he noticed Justin sitting on a stool waiting for him, so he went over to the blond and sat in a chair that was close by.  
  
“I just want to start by saying that I realize that I never really apologized to you before about everything. Not just about Ben, but the fact that I didn't tell you what was going on even when you kept asking. In all honesty, I thought — or rather hoped, that it would just blow over. That maybe they were just passing feelings that would go away. I didn't know that I would end up feeling so torn,” Michael admitted.  
  
Justin nodded. “What do you want, Michael? Tell me what you're thinking,” Justin said quietly, bracing himself for the worst news.  
  
“What I'm thinking, is that I love you — and I love Ben. I am in love with two very different people who are both so special to me. As far as what I want... I haven't a clue. What I don't want is to lose you. I just... I don't know what to do,” Michael said, tears coming to his eyes.  
  
Justin felt his heart soften at the site of his boyfriend's tears. He'd seen the other man cry maybe twice since he'd known him. He could see the struggle and despair in his face, and though he didn't want to, he felt badly for him. He'd heard of people being in love with more than one person at the same time, and had always sympathized with their dilemma.  
  
Justin got up from his stool and hugged his boyfriend as he cried, and then felt tears running down his own cheeks. After a while they finally pulled apart.  
  
“I think I should move out,” Justin sniffled. Michael looked up at him in shock.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Mike, you're not going to figure anything out with me being there. And it's been incredibly tense whenever we're in the apartment together. I really don't want to be around while you're trying to decide who you want to be with. I just think it's best if I give you some time to think,” Justin told him.  
  
“Where will you go then?” Michael asked, his voice had a hint of jealousy. Justin raised a brow at him, knowing what he was thinking.  
  
“Don't worry. I'm not going to Brian's.” He saw Michael's face relax a bit then. “I told Daphne what was going on a few days ago, and she actually offered to let me stay with her for a while until we sort things out,” Justin said.  
  
“Okay. If that's what you want,” Michael whispered. Justin frowned at his boyfriend.  
  
“No, Michael, of course it's not what I want. What I want is for us to be together and to be happy. I'm doing this because it's what has to be done. If this was about what I wanted, we wouldn't even be here discussing this right now,” Justin told him.  
  
“I understand. I'm so sorry,” Michael said sadly. Justin nodded at Michael.  
  
“I know.”  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Brian rang Daphne's doorbell and waited for an answer. He hoped that he could convince Justin to get out of the apartment. He'd been avoiding everyone and staying at home whenever he didn't have work or class.  
  
The door opened, and he saw Daphne standing there with a surprised and relieved look on her face.  
  
“Brian,” she smiled.  
  
“Hey beautiful,” Brian said, and kissed her cheek, causing her to blush. He smirked, thinking that some things never changed.  
  
“Come on in,” Daphne said, moving aside so Brian could enter the apartment.  
  
“Thanks,” Brian said.  
  
Daphne leaned in close to Brian and started talking very softly, in case Justin might overhear her.  
  
“Please tell me you're here to take Justin out of this apartment. I love him to death, but he's driving me crazy, and I'm so close to strangling him right now. He needs to get out and do something other than chain smoke and feel sorry for himself,” Daphne said, shaking her head.  
  
“I thought I'd give it a shot,” Brian told her.  
  
“He's in his room. But beware — it's awfully smoky in there, and watch your step because it's a complete mess. He hasn't cleaned up after himself the whole week he's been here,” Daphne said, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Thanks for the heads up,” Brian smirked.  
  
Brian didn't bother knocking on Justin's door. He opened the door slowly and walked into the dark room, and was shocked to see a disaster area before him. There were clothes everywhere. Empty pizza boxes, fast food trash, soda cans, and empty cigarette boxes were sprawled out all over the floor. Daphne hadn't been exaggerating about the smoke. It was so cloudy with smoke in there that he could barely see. There were three ashtrays that were overfilled with cigarette butts and ashes.  
  
He looked over to the bed, where Justin was laying, drawing in his sketchbook, not even bothering to look up at him.  
  
“You could knock you know,” he said coolly.  
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you? This place is fucking disgusting,” Brian said with disbelief.  
  
Justin looked up and glared at Brian.  
  
“I don't recall asking you to come here. If you don't like it, get the fuck out,” he hissed. Brian shook his head and laughed.  
  
“You think it would be that easy to get rid of me? Think again,” he told the blond.  
  
He walked across the room, almost tripping on a shoe that was in the middle of all the trash on the floor. He immediately opened the large window to try to get some fresh air in there. Next, he opened the blinds.  
  
“What the fuck are you doing?” Justin yelled, squinting his eyes at the light that was now shining in his face.  
  
“What the fuck does it look like? I'm opening the window. I can't fucking breathe in here. I can't believe you've been able to stand it for this long,” Brian said. He picked up a towel that had been laying on the floor and swung it around the room, trying to force the smoke out the window and air it out as best he could.  
  
“Close the fucking blinds,” Justin yelled.  
  
“No. It's too dark. It was a beautiful day today, and you missed most of it. Sunshine obviously needs a bit of sunshine,” Brian smirked, and walked over to Justin's bed and sat down on the end of it. Brian saw Justin staring at him blankly, and his heart broke. He looked terrible. He wanted nothing but to hold and caress him and kiss all the pain away.  
  
“Why are you here, Brian?” Justin asked.  
  
“Well, you haven't been returning my calls, and every time I try to catch up with you it seems you're gone or I've just missed you. When I called your place for the 50th time, Michael answered. He told me that you moved out,” Brian said, watching Justin's face carefully. He saw the pain in his eyes, as he looked off to the side, not wanting to make eye contact with Brian.  
  
“I thought it would be best if I left so he could make his decision,” Justin said quietly.  
  
Brian nodded. “Listen, Justin. I know that you're hurting. But you can't do this to yourself. You're going to make yourself sick,” Brian said.  
  
“Thanks for the pep talk,” Justin said sarcastically. “Now would you please just leave me alone?” he asked.  
  
“No. I told you that you couldn't get rid of me that easily.”  
  
Justin groaned, and threw his sketchbook onto the floor, then lay back on the bed and covered his head with his pillow.  
  
“Ah-ah-ah, young man. You've got shit to do. The first thing on that list is you're going to go take a shower. You reek,” Brian said, yanking the pillow off of Justin's face.  
  
“Fuck!” Justin hissed and glared at the man.  
  
“Next, you're going to get dressed — preferably in something clean, if that's even possible,” Brian said dryly.  
  
Justin rolled his eyes at Brian's comment.  
  
“Then we're going to dinner. You need to get out of here for a few hours. When we return, I'm going to help you clean up this shithole,” Brian told him.  
  
“You're not going to go away until I agree to this, are you?” Justin sighed.  
  
Brian smiled at him, and shook his head. “Nope.”  
  
“Shit! Fine. I'll go take a shower,” Justin said, and got out of bed, grumbling under his breath as he left the room.  
  
Brian breathed a sigh of relief. He thought it might be more difficult to convince the blond. He was grateful it hadn't been too hard. He looked around the room again and shook his head. Justin had his careless moments, but he never in his life had seen him do anything like this. Even if he was a bit messy at times, he was always a hygienic person. He had a tendency to leave his clothes and shoes lying around, but he wasn't a dirty person. He always cleaned up his messes and threw away his trash.  
  
“It's gross, isn't it,” Daphne said, coming into the room. Brian nodded.  
  
“I've never seen him like this,” Brian told her.  
  
“Me neither. This was his old room before he moved in with Michael, and he never ever let it get like this. He also never smoked so much...” Daphne paused, as if contemplating.  
  
“Come on, spit it out,” Brian urged. He could tell there was something Daphne wanted to tell him. She sighed at him and then nodded.  
  
“I think something else happened that he's not talking about. I mean, he was depressed when he first came here, but one day he came home and it was even worse. He's really fucked up, Brian,” Daphne said, her face filled with worry.  
  
“I know. Well, at least I got him to take a shower. I told him I was going to take him out and when we got back I would help him clean this place up.”  
  
“Thank you. I only noticed it was this way two days ago, and I haven't had time to do anything about it. I've been so busy with work and school,” Daphne explained.  
  
“He should be the one cleaning it up anyway,” Brian said.  
  
“Oh, he would have been. There was no way I was going to clean all this up by myself. But because I know he's going through some rough shit, I would have helped him,” Daphne said.  
  
“You're a really good friend,” Brian told her and smiled.  
  
“So are you, Brian. You're here. I just hope we can help him through this,” Daphne said sadly.  
  
“We will,” Brian said confidently. “He's been through worse. He can get through this,” Brian told her. If Justin could overcome being kicked out of his parents house, being bashed in the head, being in a coma, and going through all of the pain, sadness and frustration that came with his injuries — then he could make it through this.  
  
An hour later, Brian and Justin were walking into Chevy's, a Fresh Mex and Grill restaurant. Justin used to love eating there when they were together. Brian had discovered it when a client suggested that they meet there for a meeting. He was pleased with the food, service and atmosphere, and made sure to take Justin there the next time they wanted to eat out. Just as he predicted, the blond loved it. Justin loved Mexican food, and especially loved this restaurant's Margaritas, which was his favorite mixed drink. They would always make him very happy, relaxed and best of all -- horny, which was why Brian sacrificed his carbohydrate intake to bring Justin here. The happier his boy was, the better the sex would be that night. Besides, whatever he ate would be burned off at the end of the night anyway.  
  
Brian's thoughts and memories were interrupted as Justin spoke to him.  
  
“I've never been here before,” Justin told Brian as they waited in the front to be seated.  
  
“You're going to love it,” Brian said with a confident smile.  
  
“I'm sure I will. I like Mexican food,” he said.  
  
“Just wait till you try their Margaritas,” Brian said with a smirk, trying not to think about the mindblowing hot sex they _wouldn't_ be having later that night like they always used to have after Justin sucked down a few mixed drinks. Tequila always had this incredible affect on the boy, and Justin never failed to surprise him by the end of the night. When his boy had Margaritas, a wild crazy side of him liked to come out and play, and being as Justin didn't drink them too often, Brian always looked forward to it, like a special treat.  
  
Brian sighed. He was still trying to get used to everything being different, but he thought he was handling things quite well under the circumstances. There was still hope that things would be okay.  
  
“How did you know I love Margaritas?” Justin smiled. Brian soaked in his expression. It was good to see him smile again.  
  
“You told me, asshole,” Brian said and laughed, trying to play it off. Justin hadn't said anything to him about liking Margaritas since he'd woken up in this life, but he could just assume that Justin had mentioned it to him sometime before then.  
  
“I don't remember ever telling you that, but I guess it's possible I let it slip. I don't really drink them often. When we're all at Babylon or Woodies, I usually have beer or Jack Daniels because I know that if I drank a Margarita there, I'd never hear the end of it,” Justin laughed.  
  
“Yeah, you're right, you wouldn't. It's bad enough Emmett drinks his bitch booze,” Brian said, with a smile.  
  
“Hey, Cosmos are pretty good, actually. I had a taste of Emmett's one night,” Justin said.  
  
“Whattayaknow, you really are a queer,” Brian teased.  
  
“Fuck off,” Justin laughed again. Brian was just happy that he was getting the blond to laugh. He had missed the sound of his laughter so much. The blond seemed like he was a lot more relaxed now, and Brian knew he made the right decision to take him out.  
  
“Kinney, party of two?” The hostess called out.  
  
Brian and Justin followed the waitress to a table, and after they were seated they looked over the menus and waited for someone to come over to their table to take their order.  
  
“Shit, everything on here looks good — I don't know what to get,” Justin said, after having gone through the whole menu at least three times, as he munched on some chips and salsa that had been set there for them.  
  
Brian stared at the blond, and smiled. Justin had said the exact same thing when he took him there the first time, before. It was like deja vu.  
  
“If you want, I could order for you, and then it could be a surprise,” Brian suggested. He'd been there with Justin enough times to know what he liked.  
  
Justin smiled at the brunet, and then nodded. “Okay. Just know that I don't like --”  
  
“Green peppers, yes I know,” Brian waved him off.  
  
“Oh yeah, and whatever I get make sure you ask them to give me --”  
  
“Extra sour cream and guacamole, got it,” Brian finished his sentence again.  
  
Justin laughed at the man. “What are you, psychic?” he asked.  
  
“No, I just pay very close attention to what people like and don't like,” Brian said, nonchalant. Justin shrugged it off, and smiled. It made him feel good that Brian listened to him and knew him well enough to know what he did and didn't like.  
  
Brian found himself feeling a bit nervous. He had no idea why — he and Justin had been out to dinner lots of times before. This time though, felt different... like a date. He had felt like he had been getting to know Justin all over again. This Justin was different. He knew him in a different way, now. He started to ask himself why he never bothered to really talk to Justin sometimes. Most of their time together when they first met had been spent with more fucking and less talking. Of course that started to change, the more time they spent together, but Brian realized that he usually avoided any topics that expressed feelings. If he had allowed Justin to talk about the bashing instead of telling him not to think about it, he might have been able to help Justin cope with his insecurities and fears a lot better.  
  
That was something he had been trying to work on since he woke up in his new world. He tried to be supportive, and listen. He encouraged Justin to talk to him about his feelings, and tried to let him know that he was there for him. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. Justin seemed to really appreciate it, too, which was what he was going for. Improvement. He was trying to fix the things about himself that caused him to fail before he came here.  
  
  
When their waiter Robby arrived, Brian was ready to order for them.  
  
“He's going to have a strawberry Margarita and a Pepsi. I'll have an Diet Pepsi and also a glass of water,” he told the waiter, who was nodding and jotting down the order, then looked up at Justin and smiled. Justin didn't notice. He was too busy looking at Brian and smiling at him, having noticed the fact that Brian had bypassed alcohol and ordered a diet soda instead. He was so proud of him for sticking with his programs.  
  
“And have you decided on what you'd like to eat?” Robby asked as he looked from Brian to Justin.  
  
“Yes. He's going to have the Sizzling Steak Fajitas, with extra guacamole and sour cream on the side,” Brian said confidently.  
  
Robby smiled at Justin again. “Excellent choice,” he told him. Justin just smiled in agreement. Brian raised a brow at the waiter. The man was was obviously interested in the blond. “And for you, sir?” the waiter asked Brian.  
  
“I'd like The Grande Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad,” Brian told him. Justin frowned at Brian.  
  
“You're kidding, right?” he said looking at Brian like he was crazy.  
  
“What?” Brian said, giving him a strange look.  
  
“Brian, come on! We're at this great Mexican Restaurant, and you order a salad?! Take a chance. Live a little!” Justin urged. Brian raised a brow at the blond. He usually did indulge a little when he came here, but the difference was that this time he knew he wouldn't be able to work off the calories right afterward.  
  
“You know I don't eat carbs or fat after 7:00,” Brian said.  
  
“It's 6:30,” Justin argued.  
  
“Yeah, but by the time the food gets here it will be 7:00.”  
  
“Come on. I dare you,” Justin challenged. Brian smirked, amused with Justin's insistence. He'd always known his eating habits before but never really pushed him about trying something else. He decided to humor the kid. Why not? It couldn't hurt.  
  
“Fine,” Brian sighed. He looked at the waiter and handed him their menus. “Give me the Chicken Enchilada combo,” Brian said.  
  
Justin smiled at Brian and gave an impressed look. He didn't think that Brian would actually listen to him and splurge for once. He hated that Brian ate like a rabbit.  
  
“All right. Any appetizers?” Robby asked.  
  
“The chips are fine, but we'd like some fresh guacamole to go with them,” Brian told him. Robby nodded and left to get them their drinks.  
  
“Wow,” Justin said, impressed.  
  
“Happy now?” Brian asked.  
  
“Very,” Justin laughed.  
  
A few minutes later, their drinks came, and Justin happily started drinking his Strawberry Margarita.  
  
“Mmmm,” he said, as he sipped it, and then licked the salt from his lips. Brian felt himself get hard under the table, as he watched Justin's pink tongue dart out to lick his lips. He stared at the blond as he then sucked his drink from the straw, and couldn't help but picture Justin sucking his dick instead.  
  
“Oh my God, Brian. This is so good. I'm letting you order my drinks from now on,” Justin smiled. “You wanna sip?” he offered.  
  
Brian was about to protest, but then the thought occurred to him that putting his lips where Justin's lips just were was the closest he'd get to him tonight, so he nodded and took a sip of Justin's drink.  
  
“That is good,” Brian agreed. Justin nodded and started sucking on the straw again greedily. “Hey, you might want to slow down. Those drinks hit you faster than you realize,” Brian warned.  
  
“So what if it does? It's not like I don't have a good reason to get sloshed,” Justin said, the bitterness in his voice from earlier having returned.  
  
“So, are you going to tell me what happened with Michael?” Brian asked bluntly.  
  
“You already know what happened. He told you,” Justin said, dipping a chip in the guacamole and shoving it into his mouth.  
  
“No, Sunshine. I'm talking about what has happened since then,” Brian said, staring at Justin expectantly.  
  
“Who says anything happened?” Justin asked.  
  
“Daphne's spare bedroom, that's what,” Brian said.  
  
Justin sighed. “I saw them,” Justin said quietly, and then took another sip of his Margarita.  
  
“Who?” Brian asked.  
  
“Michael and Ben. My shift had just ended at the diner, and I was leaving to go home, when I saw them walking together on Liberty Avenue. They didn't see me. They looked... so happy. They were laughing and holding hands. If anyone would have seen them on the street, they would have thought they were a couple. They seemed so close,” Justin said sadly.  
  
“I'm sorry you had to see that,” Brian said quietly.  
  
“Me too. Anyway, as you know, I didn't really take it well. I just didn't think that he would fall right into it like that. It hurt more to see it, I guess because it made it more real, you know?” Justin asked.  
  
“Yeah, I do,” Brian said quietly, as he thought of Justin kissing Ethan at the Rage party. He then tried to mentally shake off the image from his mind. He was trying to cheer Justin up. “Look, I'm sorry I brought it up. We can talk about something else if you want,” Brian said.  
  
“Actually, I know it might sound weird, but I feel a little better now just having said it out loud. Not that it makes the situation any better, but I haven't told anyone about it until now.”  
  
“Why not? I mean, why didn't you call me and tell me before?” Brian asked curiously.  
  
He'd been wanting to know that ever since he talked to Michael about Justin moving out. He thought the blond would have called him when that happened, at least to talk. There was a part of him that expected Justin to ask him if he could stay at the loft with him, but then reminded himself that in this life Justin didn't usually run to him whenever he had a problem. Until recently, that had been Michael's job. Also, Brian was sure that Michael wouldn't have been too happy about Justin staying at the loft.  
  
“I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess I just didn't want to overload you with more of my problems. I mean, you've been so great in being there for me as a friend. I know drama gets boring for you. I thought you probably didn't want to hear about it,” Justin told him.  
  
“Justin, I always want to know when you're upset. I told you before that you can always count on me, and I meant it. I always mean what I say,” Brian told him seriously.  
  
“I know... I just didn't want to burden you,” Justin said.  
  
“You aren't. Don't shut me out, okay? Promise me that you'll always come to me if you need me,” Brian pleaded. He hoped it didn't sound too pathetic.  
  
“Okay,” Justin whispered and smiled.  
  
“Keep smilin', Sunshine. It looks good on you,” Brian said.  
  
“Couldn't agree more.” They both looked up and saw that the waiter, Robby was back with their dinner. He set their plates of food in front of them, and winked before he left again.  
  
“Looks like you've got yourself a little crush,” Brian smirked.  
  
“What? Who?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian rolled his eyes. Was Justin really that clueless? “The waiter — Bobby,” Brian said, as he started to cut his food.  
  
“You mean Robby,” Justin corrected.  
  
“Whatever the fuck.”  
  
“I didn't notice.”  
  
“Obviously.”  
  
They started eating their food, and made small talk throughout their meal. Brian could tell that Justin was a little drunk. He was already working on his second Margarita, and he hadn't eaten anything all day so the alcohol was definitely catching up to him. Brian didn't mind though. He enjoyed a happy drunk Justin. It seemed that for now his blond's problems were forgotten.  
  
“Brian, this is so fucking good. I'm so glad I let you pick for me,” Justin said, as he gobbled down his dinner.  
  
“What can I say, I know what you like,” Brian shrugged.  
  
“Yeah, I'm starting to really see that,” Justin said, more to himself. “But you know, there are some things you don't know,” Justin said with a mischievous look.  
  
“Like what?” Brian asked.  
  
“Like how I am in bed,” Justin said giggled.  
  
Brian laughed out loud at that. Now he knew Justin was drunk. “Wanna bet?”  
  
Justin started laughing, and almost choked on the food in his mouth.  
  
“What, you don't believe me?” Brian asked.  
  
“Okay, I know we were together, but it was one time, and it was a long time ago, not to mention, I was only a virgin. I didn't know anything back then. Obviously, I've changed. I'm older now, and experienced,” Justin told him.  
  
“Yeah, well, I'm not the stud of Liberty Avenue for nothing. I bet I could be accurate in guessing how you are in bed,” Brian said. He was just having a little fun with the drunk lad.  
  
“Is that so? Well, maybe we'll find out later. I'll ask you a series of questions, and if you answer them incorrectly, you have to do something for me.  
  
“And if I answer them correctly?” Brian asked with interest.  
  
“Then I have to do something for you,” Justin said simply.  
  
“Anything?” Brian smiled.  
  
“Well... I don't know about that. We'll have to establish the rules later. I'll think about it while we eat and get back to you,” he giggled.  
  
“All right, Sunshine. You better be ready to do whatever I want,” Brian teased.  
  
“Yeah, right. This is something that you can't win, Brian Kinney,” Justin said.  
  
“We'll see about that,” Brian said, smiling from ear to ear. Oh, he could come up with a lot of things for Justin to do. Of course they all involved sex... he might have to rethink it through.


	6. Release

“Briiiiiiaaaan, where are we going?” Justin slurred. Brian laughed at his little drunk blond in the passenger seat.  
  
“I'm taking you to the loft because it's late and you're too drunk to clean up that shit hole room you fucked up,” Brian told him.  
  
“Shit, I forgot about that,” Justin frowned.  
  
“It's okay. You can stay at the loft tonight, and then in the morning we'll go to Daphne's and clean it up then,” Brian told him.  
  
“You could still take me home,” Justin said.  
  
“And sleep in that stinky pigsty? I don't think so. Besides, I thought I'd give Daphne a break from you. You've been an annoying shit lately, you know,” Brian smirked.  
  
“Oh yeah, that,” Justin said, then suddenly started laughing hysterically.  
  
“Are you okay with coming to the loft?” Brian asked.  
  
“Sounds good, daddio,” Justin said, giving Brian the thumbs up sign.  
  
Brian burst out laughing. “What the fuck was that?”  
  
“What the fuck was what?” Justin asked his voice slurred.  
  
“Nothing, never mind,” Brian laughed again, and shook his head.  
  
When they got back to the loft, Brian called Daphne and told her that Justin was staying with him and that they'd be by in the morning. She thanked Brian for taking Justin off of her hands for one night. When he got off the phone, he walked into his living room, and saw Justin sitting on the sofa waiting for him and smiling.  
  
“What's with the smile?” Brian asked as he came to sit on the opposite side of the sofa. He was happy that Justin's mood had been a complete turnaround since he showed up at Daphne's apartment.  
  
“I was just thinking, that's all,” Justin told him.  
  
“Let me guess... you were thinking about me in the nude,” Brian joked.  
  
“You're so fucking conceited,” Justin said with a laugh.  
  
“No, I'm confident,” Brian smiled.  
  
“Right,” Justin said rolling his eyes.  
  
“Sooo... you were thinking about...” Brian said.  
  
“I was just thinking about how different you've been since you woke up from the coma,” Justin told him, slowly scooting towards the brunet so that he was sitting right next to him.  
  
“Better, different?” Brian asked. Justin smiled and leaned his head on Brian's shoulder. Brian was trying to remain calm and ignoring the fact that Justin was so close to him right now. He got a whiff of Justin's CK1 cologne and felt his cock twitch.  
  
'The fucking Margaritas,' Brian thought and silently cursed himself for suggesting them at the restaurant in the first place. Now Justin was in his loft, and Brian recognized that look — the predator eyes. Justin was being taken over, now. It was only a matter of time...  
  
“I'd say, better, yes,” Justin smiled, and started to play with Brian's hair. “Not that I didn't like you as a person before... it's just that you've really opened yourself up to me, and it's always kind of been my secret fantasy that you would do that one day,” Justin admitted.  
  
“I always knew you fantasized about me,” Brian laughed nervously, trying to maintain control and not become putty in the blond's hands from the attention he was giving him.  
  
“Fuck off, you know what what I mean,” Justin smiled. “We've been friends for years, but you've always maintained to keep a certain distance,” Justin said.  
  
Brian nodded. “It wasn't just you, Justin. I've been that way towards everyone ever since I can remember,” Brian told him.  
  
“And now... things are different,” Justin mused, and then boldly climbed into Brian's lap, straddling him. “You're different,” Justin whispered seductively as he leaned into Brian's ear, his hot breath making Brian shiver and his cock immediately spring to attention. Justin smiled as he felt Brian's member harden under him.  
  
“Well, um, when I woke up from the coma, I realized there were some things about myself that could use some improvement,” Brian stammered.  
  
Justin nodded at him, and then ran his hand up and down Brian's clothed chest.  
  
“Are you happier now that you've made the changes?” Justin asked.  
  
“For the most part, yes,” Brian said, trying not to moan as he answered. 'If only I had you, my life would feel complete,' he thought.  
  
“I'm glad that you're happy, Brian,” Justin smiled.  
  
“Well, I'm glad that you're glad,” Brian chuckled. They stared at each other for a moment, lost in thought. Justin's face turned serious as he opened his mouth to speak, pausing just a moment before the words came.  
  
“I uh, also wanted to thank you for being so supportive during this whole fucked up mess with Michael. I've really been fucked up, and believe it or not, you've helped me more than you know — especially tonight. Thanks for saving me,” Justin said, sincerely.  
  
Brian nodded. “Well, that's what friends are for,” Brian said with a small smile. It was still weird for him to think of them as _just_ friends. It was difficult to stand in the same room with the blond, knowing that he had no idea of their former life together or their problems. He had to try to force himself to put all that aside and focus on what was going in this different world, and how he was going to fix things. His progress had been good, and he found soon enough that he was getting used to how things were now, and that he wouldn't mind just staying here and continuing with the progress, whereas in the beginning all he could think about was trying to figure out how he could get himself back to his old life.  
  
But, what if that happened? What if he was sent back to his old life and when he woke up he didn't remember any of this and just went on with his fucked up lifestyle in misery? And Justin would still be with Ethan, living happily ever after, while he drowned himself in sorrow and drugs, and deteriorated into nothingness. Then again, how did he know he wasn't dead already? Maybe he was dead. Or maybe he really was crazy.  
  
He looked at Justin and smiled and knew it didn't matter. At this point, he didn't give a shit if he was dead or crazy. At least he was with Justin, and they were okay. Even if they weren't together as a couple, they were still okay. Being friends and nothing else surely didn't change how he felt about him. Nothing would ever change how he felt about Justin; it didn't matter what kind of fucked up universe or situation he was in.  
  
At the moment though, Justin seemed to be getting a lot more “friendly”. Brian noticed Justin started grinding his ass into his lap suggestively, as he gave him a sexy stare. Say hello to Wild, Drunk and Horny Justin. Brian felt like he was going to lose it. He wasn't sure how long he could hold out until he just completely lost control and fucked the blond silly.  
  
“Did I thank you yet, for dinner?” Justin asked, reaching for the top button of Brian's shirt and playing with it teasingly.  
  
“I don't believe so.”  
  
“I'm sorry. That was so rude of me. Thank you very much, Brian, for a wonderful dinner.” Justin leaned in and kiss Brian's cheek softly.  
  
Brian sighed and closed his eyes, after just having felt Justin's soft lips against his skin. He wanted nothing more than to dive for the blond's mouth and devour him. But... it wasn't the right time. Justin was vulnerable and hurting from his break-up with Michael. As much as he wanted Justin at that moment, he knew it would be a huge mistake to have sex with him. The last thing he wanted was for Justin to wake up in the morning and regret what happened and then distance himself from him. It would ruin the progress he had made with the blond. It would just create more problems.  
  
“So, I take it you had a good time tonight?” Brian asked. Justin nodded and smiled.  
  
“I had a really good time. You're actually pretty fun when you're not being an asshole. I think it was one of the best dates I've ever been on,” Justin said.  
  
“Date?” Brian asked with a raised brow.  
  
“That's what I said. And don't even say that you don't do dates, because whether you want to admit it or not, that was very much a date,” Justin laughed.  
  
“Okay, fine. It was a date,” Brian sighed.  
  
“See, that wasn't so bad, was it?” Justin teased.  
  
“Fuck off.”  
  
Justin just laughed at the brunet, amused with the whole situation. He decided to take pity on Brian, and let it go for now. There were definitely other things they could be doing at the moment... Justin started to grind his ass against the other man again, loving the fact that Brian was so turned on by him. He knew he was a bit drunk; otherwise he never would have been this aggressive. He didn't care though; it felt way too good to stop.  
  
“Why, Justin Taylor, are you trying to seduce me?” Brian asked him with a little smile.  
  
“What do you think?” he asked in a sultry voice and wiggled his ass more in Brian's lap.  
  
“What I think is... you've had a few too many drinks,” Brian told him, and pushed Justin off of his lap, gently.  
  
Justin frowned, wondering why Brian was turning him down. Was he not desirable enough? Justin was about to say something about it, when he remembered their conversation from the restaurant, and it occurred to him that they had unfinished business. He smiled and scooted away from the brunet a little.  
  
“Yeah, you're probably right. I'm a bit buzzed and wouldn't want you to take advantage of me,” Justin sighed dramatically, and then gave Brian a little wink.  
  
“Right,” Brian said. He was painfully hard, and was about to go back on his word as he saw Justin's sexy wink, but then reminded himself it was for the good of their future together to not pursue Justin right now, so he took a deep breath, and willed his hard-on to go down, and kept himself from ripping off Justin's clothes and fucking him senseless.  
  
Justin noticed that Brian seemed to be losing his resistance, and smiled to himself. He would have the older man.  
  
“So, Mister Stud of Liberty Avenue, are you ready to lose our bet?” Justin asked.  
  
“You mean you were serious?” Brian asked. He had just been joking around with the blond earlier. He hadn't really expected him to go through with the silly bet. He knew he'd win. He knew Justin's body like his own.  
  
“Of course I was serious. You didn't think you would actually win, did you?” Justin laughed.  
  
“Well, I guess we won't know until we play the game,” Brian smirked. “What are the terms?” he asked.  
  
“Okay. Here it goes. I'll ask you 5 questions, and if you get at least 4 of them right, then I will owe you a favor. It can be anything; cleaning your loft, washing your dishes, running an errand — whatever. I'll be your slave boy,” Justin smiled, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. He was excited to be doing this. He knew he would win. He could think of a good “favor” for Brian to do for him, and he felt his dick leak at the thought of it.  
  
“All right, and that means the same goes for me if I happen to get at least 4 of them right?” Brian asked.  
  
“Sure,” Justin answered simply.  
  
“And how do I know if you're lying or not? I mean, what if I'm right... how do I know for sure if you're telling the truth about whether I'm correct or not?” Brian asked curiously.  
  
“Um, okay, I'll write down the answers to the questions first,” Justin told him.  
  
“All right, but you know, I can tell when you're lying anyway,” Brian said.  
  
“Huh?” Justin asked.  
  
“I said, I know when you're lying.”  
  
“How do you know?”  
  
“Your nose grows,” Brian chuckled. Justin raised his brow at him. “I'm not telling. You might try to keep from giving yourself away if I tell you,” Brian laughed.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
Justin grabbed a piece of paper from Brian's desk and quickly jotted down some questions at the top of his head and then wrote the answers to them. “Okay, done,” he announced and smiled excitedly. He kicked off his shoes before pulling up his legs to sit cross legged on the sofa to get himself comfortable.  
  
“Okay, so ask away, Sunshine,” Brian urged.  
  
“All right. Question number one. Which one of these things turns me on the most... a) Running fingers through my hair. b)Kissing my neck. c) Sucking on my toes ?  
  
Brian thought about it for a moment. He knew that Justin liked all three of those things, but the question was, which one did he like the most... He tried to think back to Justin's reaction when he did those things to him.  
  
“I'll say, kissing your neck turns you on the most,” Brian finally answered. Justin frowned at the brunet.  
  
“Okay, lucky guess,” Justin answered.  
  
“Don't throw a fit because I got one right already. Go on, ask me another,” Brian laughed.  
  
“Okay. Do I like my men... a) Hairless b)Some hair, but not a lot or c)Hairy.  
  
Brian smirked. This one he knew. He knew that Justin loved to bury his nose in his pubes and breath in his scent before swallowing his cock whole. He also had a tendency to give a little tug to what little chest hair Brian had when they fooled around. When they used to pick out tricks together though, he was totally turned off by the really hairy guys.  
  
“I'm going to say some hair, but not a lot,” he answered.  
  
“Okay, another lucky guess. You're tough, Kinney,” Justin said with a serious, determined face. Brian couldn't help but laugh again.  
  
“Next,” Brian urged.  
  
“Okay, okay. What's my favorite position?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian was a little stumped with this question. He knew what Justin's favorite position was with _him_ , but because he was with Michael, it could be something way different. Sex wasn't the same with all partners.  
  
“I'll say on your back with your legs up on your lovers' shoulders so you're face to face when he enters you,” Brian answered slowly.  
  
Justin smiled and made a sound effect like a buzzer on a game show. “Wrong! My favorite position is when I'm laying on my back and my lover is riding me,” Justin said triumphantly.  
  
Brian frowned and opened his mouth in surprise.  
  
“Wait, that was a trick question. I'll bet fucking face to face is your favorite position when you bottom,” Brian pointed out.  
  
“That wasn't the question, Brian,” Justin smiled.  
  
Brian gave the blond a glare and shook his head.  
  
“Hey, it's not my fault that you assumed that I was a bottom just because I bottomed for you my first time,” Justin smirked.  
  
“Are you saying that you're a top?” Brian asked, a bit shocked.  
  
“As a matter of fact, I happen to be versatile, but mostly I do top, yes,” Justin answered. Brian shook his head at the blond.  
  
“That's such bullshit! I don't think that one should count. You know that was unfair,” Brian argued.  
  
“I think it was plenty fair, Kinney. I asked what position was my favorite, and that means _any_ position, whether it be as a top or a bottom,” Justin smiled.  
  
“You little shit,” Brian grumbled. “Fine. Next question,” he pouted.  
  
Justin laughed at him. “Now who's getting pissy because they're not winning?” Justin teased. “Don't worry, you might still win. You already got two right,” he reminded.  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Next question,” Brian said impatiently.  
  
“All right, jeez. What do you think is the one thing that would have me begging to be fucked?” Justin asked.  
  
“Rimming,” Brian simply answered.  
  
“Shit,” Justin frowned. Brian smiled, knowing that he got it right. “Another lucky guess,” he said.  
  
“Okay, let's get on with it, Sunshine. One more, and you're my slave boy for any task I want,” Brian smiled.  
  
“What is my most favorite thing to do during sex?” Justin asked, a smile planted on his face. He knew this question would stump Brian. There were too many possibilities. He would never guess right.  
  
Brian stared at him for a moment, and then focused in on Justin's full lips. He remembered how good they tasted and how much he loved to kiss Justin. Sometimes the two of them would just kiss and kiss without even doing anything sexual. They could never get enough of each other's lips. Justin loved to kiss while they made love. He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the memory.  
  
“Kissing,” Brian finally whispered. “You love to be kissed when you're making love,” Brian said, staring into Justin's eyes. Justin looked away from Brian's intense stare. He felt his throat go dry. Brian was looking at him in a way that was giving him goosebumps. Was that lust he saw in his eyes?  
  
“Um, sorry,” Justin told him.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You guessed wrong.”  
  
“No, I didn't,” Brian told him, his face serious and his eyes never leaving Justin's.  
  
“I said you're wrong. My favorite thing to do during sex is talking dirty,” Justin told him.  
  
“Yes, that too. But I'm not wrong,” Brian said confidently. He knew what he was talking about.  
  
“Look on the paper with the questions, that's not what I put down,” Justin argued.  
  
“I don't give a shit what's on that paper; I'm right, Justin,” Brian said, feeling his frustration grow.  
  
“Stop being such a sore loser, and accept that you got it wrong, Brian,” Justin told him, but something inside him said that Brian wasn't going to let this go easily.  
  
“Fine; I'll admit to answering incorrectly, if you admit that you weren't honest when you wrote down your answer,” Brian said, crossing his arms across his chest.  
  
“Excuse me?” Justin laughed incredulously.  
  
“You didn't answer honestly,” Brian said.  
  
“What the fuck — yes, I did,” Justin argued.  
  
“Stop lying!” Brian yelled.  
  
“What are you getting so upset for? I'm not lying, Brian. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You think you know me Mister stud? You don't. You never took the time to learn. You never wanted to, remember?” Justin yelled back, feeling his anger rise. This whole thing started to go in a direction that neither of them thought it would. It was getting ugly fast.  
  
Brian glared at the blond's stinging words that hit home, and for a moment he forgot that he was there, and started reliving his memories and problems of their former life together.  
  
“Don't fucking say that,” Brian said hoarsely, feeling tears come to his eyes. Things had gotten out of hand, and his emotions were all over the place. He had been trying to act as if their relationship never existed, but he couldn't sit here and deny it anymore. Justin was his, and he knew him more than anyone else did or ever would.  
  
Justin was shocked as he saw Brian's eyes fill with unshed tears, and felt himself sober up. It was just a game. What was Brian's problem and why was he being so sensitive?  
  
“Brian — what's wrong with you?” Justin asked, his face filled with concern.  
  
“Don't ever say I don't know you, as if I'm some fucking stranger. You and I both know that there is no one else that knows you better than I do,” Brian told him, taking Justin's face in his hands and holding it so that he had no choice but to stare into his eyes.  
  
“Brian --” Justin said, but the man wasn't going to let him interrupt.  
  
“And there's not a single person that knows me better than you know me. You're on to me. That's what you've always said. When did you lose that, Justin? When did you stop knowing me?” Brian asked, feeling himself get more lost in his emotions. He was talking to _his_ Justin, now. The Justin that fell in love with him the first night he took him home. The Justin that he brought with him to the hospital that same night and named his son. The one who was determined to stick around in his life and break down all of his walls. The man — yes man, not boy, that forced him to feel things. His Justin, who had given up on him and somehow lost sight of how to read the Brian Kinney manual.  
  
Brian's deprivation from the love of his life was overwhelming him now, and he literally ached at the thought of never having Justin again. He spent so much time denying his feelings for him before, but everything was different now. He didn't want to lie to Justin or to himself anymore, and he felt like shouting his true feelings from the rooftops. He owed Justin the truth.  
  
“Brian, you're scaring me,” Justin said, unable to read the brunette's expression. He had no idea what was going on in Brian's head at that moment. He had never seen him like this.  
  
“I do know you, Justin; I just never led on that I did,” Brian whispered, still holding Justin's face in his hands.  
  
Justin continued to stare at Brian, stunned, and wondered what in the Hell was going on with the man.  
  
Without notice, Brian leaned in and captured Justin's lips in a crushing kiss. Justin was completely taken by surprise by the man's sudden move, but found himself reacting immediately, opening his mouth and allowing Brian access inside so he could move his tongue with his. They both moaned into the kiss, and it seemed to go on forever, as their mouths sucked, nipped and moved together passionately.  
  
Brian couldn't be happier. He'd waited so long to feel Justin's lips again. To be this close to him after being so far apart for so long.  
  
Then, just as suddenly as the kiss started, it stopped. Justin pushed Brian away, breathless and lips swollen and red. His heart was beating so fast he thought it would leap out of his chest. He felt hot and dizzy and confused.  
  
Brian saw the look on Justin's face, and he was brought back to the present. He had forgotten for a moment that things were different now. This wasn't his Justin sitting next to him. He silently cursed himself for his bold move on the blond. He hadn't been able to help himself. Justin telling him that he didn't know him or care to know him had brought back their past and his nasty demons. He felt he had to prove it to him with his actions, like he always had, just how much he did know him. When they kissed it was electrical. One kiss and he would know how he felt. The truth would be there for him to see.  
  
“God, I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to --” Brian started to say, but then paused as he ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out how to explain.  
  
“Brian — what was that? What is this really all about?” Justin asked, his head still spinning from the most passionate kiss he had ever had in his life.  
  
There it was. Justin had asked the million dollar question.  
  
“I'm not sure it's the right time to discuss this,” Brian said hesitantly.  
  
“I think you owe me some kind of explanation after that. What are you trying to say to me?” Justin asked.  
  
'Fuck it,' Brian thought.  
  
“I should have told you this a long time ago. Maybe then things would have been different and I wouldn't have lost you,” Brian said.  
  
“Told me what?” Justin asked quietly.  
  
Brian took a deep breath and then exhaled. It was now or never.  
  
“I love you, Justin Taylor. I always have, I always will. I can't stand the thought of never having you with me. It terrifies me that I may never be able hold you, kiss you or make love to you again. You and I belong together, and I don't care how long it takes to get you back. Even if it takes 10 alternate worlds -- I'll wait forever if I have to, just as long as I can have another chance to make things right,” Brian said.  
  
Brian smiled. He had said the words, and the world hadn't exploded. It was a lot easier than he thought to say them out loud. He actually felt relieved, and as if a big weight had finally been lifted from him, because now he had finally said it. He told the truth. He had finally released what he had been holding in for years. He felt... free.  
  
He looked at Justin's face, and saw a single tear roll down his cheek. “I love you, Justin,” he whispered again.  
  
“I love you too,” Justin whispered back, surprising even himself with his own admission. He wiped away his tear, and gave Brian a smile. Brian fell against Justin and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him.  
  
“I'm so sorry, Justin. I'm sorry for everything,” Brian said, not bothering to hold back the tears that were now falling down his own cheeks. He was wide open now. There was no reason to hold back anymore.  
  
“Sorry? What are you sorry for, Brian?” Justin asked, confused.  
  
“I'm sorry I tried to push you away. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt about you, and made you think I didn't care, even though I did. I still do, with all of my heart,” Brian told him.  
  
Justin couldn't believe Brian was baring his soul to him like this. He felt Brian hold onto him tighter, as the apologies kept coming.  
  
“I'm sorry about the tricks, Vermont, your birthday — I was so fucking stupid --”  
  
“My birthday? Brian, I have no idea what you're talking about,” Justin said, giving him a confused look.  
  
Brian nodded. “I know you don't. But that's okay. I just needed to say it, and I wanted you to hear it. I know that I've always said that sorry is bullshit, and lived by the whole 'no regrets, no excuses, no apologies' motto, but I'm saying it now. I'm laying it all out for you. I do have regrets. My excuse is that I was scared shitless to let anyone get close to me for fear that they would hurt me. But by doing all the things I did by following those fucking guidelines, I hurt you and I fucked everything up between us and ended up driving you away. And then I was just miserable. So miserable I wanted to die. I am sorry, Justin, I'm so sorry,” Brian said, sobbing against Justin's chest, as he hugged him.  
  
“Brian,” Justin said. The brunet was shaking like a leaf against him, and he lovingly ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. “Brian,” he called out again. Brian lifted up his tear stained face to look up at Justin, his eyes bloodshot and his face red. Justin had never seen Brian like this, and it broke his heart.  
  
 _“Brian...”_  
  
“Brian, listen to me,” Justin said, wiping away the brunette's tears, and looking into his hazel eyes. “I forgive you,” he said softly. Obviously, Brian was going through something and this was what he needed. He would need to know he was forgiven in order to move forward. Even though Justin had no idea what Brian was talking about, it didn't matter. He would be there for him, no matter what and give him what he needed.  
  
“Thank you,” Brian whispered.  
  
Justin smiled and kissed him softly on the lips, and then hugged him again. “We'll get through this, you'll see. Everything is going to be fine,” he said tenderly, his words soothing the man.  
  
When they finally pulled away from each other, Brian suddenly felt a wave of dizziness, and a sharp pain in his head, and winced.  
  
 _“What's happening?”_  
  
“Whoa, Brian, what is it?” Justin asked. He could tell something was wrong.  
  
“I don't know... I --” Brian then felt another sharp pain in his head, this one more intense than the last, and he screamed out.  
  
“Brian, what's going on?” Justin asked frantically.  
  
 _”Brian, can you hear me?”_  
  
He tried to focus on Justin's face, but his vision became blurry and his dizziness was so severe, he felt nauseated.  
  
“Justin?” he asked, feeling scared, then felt himself fall backward off the sofa, landing on the floor harshly. The room was spinning faster and faster. “Don't leave me,” he pleaded.  
  
“I'm here, Brian. I promise I won't leave you. I'm going to call 911. Stay with me,” Justin said, cradling him in his arms.  
  
 _”Stay with me!”_  
  
Justin watched in horror as Brian started shaking and his face went pale. He saw Brian straining to focus on him. “Brian!” Justin screamed.  
  
He lay in Justin's arms, seeing the worried expression on his face, and his lips moving, but no longer hearing any sound.  
  
“I need help! My friend just collapsed. We're in the tall building at the corner of Tremont, on the top floor. Hurry!” Justin screamed into his cell phone. “Brian!” Justin called out.  
  
“Justin, I can't hear you. Don't leave me!” Brian pleaded.  
  
 _“Brian!”_  
  
Brian smiled with relief as he heard Justin's voice again.  
  
“I'm here,” Justin whispered, as he rocked his true love in his arms.  
  
 _“I'm here.”_  
  
Brian looked up at his beautiful blond angel, staring into his deep eyes of blue, and then suddenly... there was blackness.


	7. Back To Reality

_“I'm here.”_  
  
Brian looked up at his beautiful blond angel, staring into his deep eyes of blue, and then suddenly... there was blackness.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
 _“I'm positive he's trying to wake up.”_  
  
 _“All right, I'll get Dr. Clark in here right away.”_  
  
Brian could barely register the voices he heard around him, and wondered if they were real or if he was dreaming. One of the voices had sounded like Justin.  
  
He wondered why he felt so strange. Had he passed out? He felt dizzy and tried to move, but couldn't. His body felt so heavy. He tried to open his eyes, but for some reason they didn't want to open. All he could do at the moment was stare at the backs of his eyelids. He was terrified and confused and had no idea what was going on. What had happened to him?  
  
“I'm here, Brian.”  
  
Brian immediately felt relieved at the sound of Justin's voice. He wasn't dreaming. Justin really was there with him.  
  
“Jussin,” he managed to mumble, which took a lot more effort than he had expected.  
  
“That's right, Brian, it's Justin. Open your eyes, you can do it,” he urged, and gave Brian's hand a little squeeze for encouragement.  
  
Brian groaned. He had never felt so exhausted in his life and opening his eyes seemed like so much effort. Somehow, though, he knew this was important, and honestly, more than anything, he needed to see those familiar pair of baby blues again, because then he would know that things were okay. Because everything was better when Justin was there with him.  
  
Brian slowly opened his eyes, struggling to focus his blurry vision, and squinting from the florescent lights shining down on him. Once his vision became more clear, he saw a very relieved and teary-eyed Justin smiling down at him with his infamous Sunshine smile. He'd missed waking up to that smile.  
  
“Hey, Sunshine,” Brian managed to say in a hoarse voice. Justin laughed with joy, never having been so happy to hear the man he'd always loved call him by his nickname again.  
  
“Hey,” Justin said, wiping away his tears.  
  
Brian looked around briefly, recognizing this setting, and immediately knew that he was in the hospital, though he had no idea what had happened. The last thing he remembered was being at the loft with Justin, and baring his soul to him.  
  
Brian's tongue darted out to lick his dry lips. “I knew it would be the death of me. I must have gone into shock after everything I said to you at the loft,” Brian joked. Justin gave him a confused look, having absolutely no idea what Brian was talking about.  
  
“Brian, do you remember what happened?” he asked.  
  
Brian was about to answer, when the doctor entered the room.  
  
“Mr. Kinney, glad to see you're awake,” the man told him with an enthusiastic smile. “I'm Dr. Clark. I was the doctor on call when you were first admitted to the Emergency room,” he explained.  
  
“How long have I been here?” Brian asked.  
  
“A month,” he answered.  
  
Brian looked up at the doctor in shock.  
  
“What? That can't be...” he said.  
  
“It's true, Brian,” Justin said. Brian looked back at Justin now and frowned. Something wasn't right.  
  
“I don't understand... what happened?” Brian asked.  
  
A middle aged nurse had joined them now and was at Brian's side taking his blood pressure and temperature.  
  
“Mr. Kinney, your friend, Michael Novotney discovered you in your loft, unconscious. Not only did you have an obscene amount of alcohol in your system, but additionally, we found traces of the narcotic known as Ketamine, in your blood. Those are an extremely dangerous combination, Mr. Kinney, and frankly, you're very fortunate to be alive,” Dr. Clark told him.  
  
“Alcohol... Ketamine...? But I --” Brian paused because he didn't know what to say about that. He was confused.  
  
“It also didn't help that you hit your head when you passed out,” Dr. Clark said.  
  
Again? That was all sounding very familiar.  
  
“They didn't know if you would wake up,” Justin added, his face and voice full of emotion.  
  
Brian closed his eyes, and tried to remain calm. He was having a major case of deja vu. He was really having trouble now trying to guess what was real and what wasn't. He knew that he hadn't taken any drugs or alcohol when he was with Justin in his loft. He shook his head at them.  
  
“No, that's impossible. I haven't had any drugs or alcohol in months. I quit that shit,” Brian explained. Justin gave him a surprised look.  
  
“It's perfectly normal after an overdose for you to not be able to remember the events that took place before it happened or during. I'm afraid blood test results don't lie, Mr. Kinney,” Dr. Clark said.  
  
Brian looked at the gray-haired man and saw in his face that he was telling the truth. He then looked at Justin. Then suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks...  
  
He was back.  
  
After answering a series of medical questions for Dr. Clark, the man smiled at him and then tucked his pen back into his coat pocket.  
  
“Well, everything seems to be okay, that I can see. Of course we'll need to run some tests tomorrow, just to be sure. For now, I've got some other patients to see, but I'll be back later to look in on you. In the meantime, Tracy is the nurse who will take care of you tonight, so if you need anything you just give her a ring.” Dr. Clark gave Brian a reassuring smile and then nodded at Justin. Before going out the door, he turned back to look at Brian. “You're a lucky man, Mr. Kinney,” he said, and then left.  
  
Brian sighed and closed his eyes. Was he really back to his real life? Before, it had been what he wanted, but now all he felt was a great sadness. If he was indeed back, that meant all the changes he had made in his life, all the fixes, and his progress with Justin, had now all gone down the drain. It never existed. It meant that once again, Justin wasn't his, and their problems still remained unresolved.  
  
“Brian,” Justin said softly, seeing that Brian seemed to be in a daze. Brian looked at him but didn't say anything.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked.  
  
“You really want me to answer that?” he asked a bit irritated.  
  
Justin looked down at his hands, and Brian sighed, feeling a bit guilty for snapping at him. He was just so frustrated, and was not amused that _someone_ seemed to think it was hilarious to play around with his life. He could practically hear God laughing at him right now, and saying, “Back to square one, sucker!”  
  
“I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. Look, I know all of this must be a lot for you to take in. I was going to call everyone and let them know that you're awake, but if you want, I can hold off for a bit. Give you some time to collect yourself,” Justin said.  
  
Brian nodded. “Yeah, I'd prefer not to have any visitors right now,” he said quietly.  
  
“Do you want me to leave you alone then?” Justin asked, hoping that he didn't.  
  
Brian looked at the blond and shook his head. He didn't want him leave him alone. That was the last thing he wanted. “Stay,” he said, hoping it didn't sound too desperate. If it did, Justin didn't seem to notice or care. He just nodded with a small smile and pulled a chair closer to the Brian's hospital bed. It was the same chair he had sat in every day when he had visited Brian in this room.  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, and finally, Brian spoke first. “Justin... why are you here?” he asked softly.  
  
Justin gave Brian a confused look. “Why wouldn't I be?” he asked.  
  
“You know why... you and I -- We're not... together anymore,” Brian said, the words killing him more as he said them out loud. “You're with Ethan now.”  
  
Justin frowned, but then his expression softened and he shook his head sadly. “Wow,” he said.  
  
“What?” Brian asked.  
  
“You must really think I'm an uncaring shit,” he said.  
  
“No, Justin. I've never thought that,” Brian said sternly.  
  
“Well, then why the Hell would you think that if something happened to you that I wouldn't be here or that it wouldn't matter to me? Brian, I love you. That hasn't changed.”  
  
Brian's heart fluttered at the words Justin had said to him. Hearing him say he loved him made him feel warm and happy. Maybe words _were_ necessary, after all. Why had he thought saying them would be so horrible when it could make you feel as wonderful as this?  
  
Justin reached out and took Brian's hand and held it in his, while looking him in the eye, just so the man would know he meant every word he was saying. “Listen to me, Brian. Are you listening?” he asked.  
  
Brian nodded his head slowly. “I'm listening.”  
  
“Whether we're together or not, you're still an important person to me. You always will be. I'm here because I care. You've always been there for me when I needed you, and I wanted to do the same. That is what you do when you love someone,” Justin said with a sad smile, and then paused. He had tears in his eyes again and swallowed the lump in his throat.  
  
“I was so fucking scared, Brian. I thought I might never see or talk to you again — that I'd never have a chance... to say how sorry I am,” Justin said, his voice heavy with regret.  
  
“Justin...” Brian started.  
  
“I know. This isn't the right time to talk about all of this. I don't want to upset you, and you should really be getting your rest. But there are some things that I need to say to you -- when you're ready to hear them, of course,” Justin said.  
  
“I have some things to say to you too,” Brian told him.  
  
Justin nodded. “For now though, you should get some rest. I'll stay with you for a while though, if you'd like. When I leave I'll call the others to let them know about your status, but tell them not to come until tomorrow afternoon. Does that sound okay?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian nodded, and then felt his eyelids getting heavy again. He was so exhausted. “Thank you,” he whispered, his eyes now completely closed, and his breathing becoming more even.  
  
Justin wasn't quite sure what Brian was thanking him for, but decided it didn't matter. He leaned in and kissed Brian's forehead. After only a moment, Justin knew that Brian was asleep. He sat there for a while, still holding the man's hand as he slept.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A few days later, Brian was released from the hospital. He was almost feeling back to his old self again, and it had helped to see his friends and family over the last few days. They had all been so worried about him, and were relieved that he was going to be fine.  
  
The only thing that had made for some tension was the next day, after he woke up in the hospital and everyone came to see him, Michael started in on Justin about not having a right to be there after what had happened between them, and even went so far as to say that his best friend wouldn't have ended up in the hospital if it weren't for the blond. Brian was livid at Michael's comment, and yelled at him to get the fuck out.  
  
Although Brian knew he must have been angry and hurt from Michael's harsh words, Justin kept a straight face, and didn't let it show how much Michael's words stung. He told Brian that he would handle it, then whispered that he would talk to him later. He then asked to speak to Michael privately and they stepped out of the room. A few minutes later, a red-faced Michael came back in without Justin, not looking too happy, with his arms folded across his chest. Brian didn't know what had been said between the two of them, and wasn't about to ask.  
  
Brian sat alone in his loft, on his sofa, just thinking to himself. He thought about his — what he was just going to call his “experience” during the time he was unconscious. He thought about all of the things that went through his mind, and the things that he did to try to remedy his life. Whether it was a dream or it really happened didn't really matter to him anymore. He knew that whatever it may have been, what it really was, he realized, was a lesson. A life lesson. He really saw himself, and got to explore and dissect himself in a way that he never knew he could. And he was grateful for that. He knew now what it was that he needed to do.  
  
He looked around his loft, until his eye caught the ever present bottle of Jim Beam on the kitchen counter. He got up and walked over to where the bottle was sitting. He stared at it for what seemed like an eternity, before picking it up and unscrewing the top and getting a whiff of the strong amber liquid.  
  
It was at that moment that he made a decision.  
  
He walked over to his kitchen sink, bottle still in hand, and then tipped it over, pouring its contents down the drain. When it was empty, he tossed it into the trash can. Then, his eyes traveled right to where he knew the rest of his liquor was stored. He moved quickly before he could change his mind, and immediately opened the cabinets, and in a frenzied fashion, collected any and all alcohol in sight, and one by one, poured each of them down the drain.  
  
When every bottle of booze he owned was drained to nothing, he sighed, leaning forward with his hands on the counter in front of him to support his weight, and closed his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. There. He had done it. A step in the right direction so far... He wasn't done yet, though.  
  
Next, he walked into his bedroom and found his box of “goodies” still sitting on the floor where he had left it the night he had OD'ed. He picked up the box and carried it with him to the bathroom and started flushing everything inside of it down the toilet. When it was all gone, he then walked back into the kitchen and threw the wooden box itself into the trash can. He wouldn't be needing that anymore. He did a walk-through of the loft and collected any drugs that had been hidden or stashed in various places for his convenience, and flushed those as well.  
  
Satisfied, he went back to his sofa and sat for a while more, needing a few minutes to collect his thoughts. Finally, he pulled out his cell phone to call the only person he wanted to talk to at that moment.  
  
“Hey,” the voice answered. “Are you back at the loft?”  
  
“Yeah. I was released this morning. Could you... come over? I need to show you something,” Brian said.  
  
“I'm on my way.”  
  
Brian hung up and smiled. He was making some changes in his life, and he couldn't wait to share them with Justin.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
“What happened in here?” Justin asked after he entered the loft and saw all the empty bottles of liquor sitting on the counter. There must have been at least 10 empty bottles of assorted alcohol. He next noticed that everything in the loft was a bit disorderly -- like it had been ransacked. He gave Brian a worried look, as he wondered what was going on with the other man.  
  
“That's what I wanted to show you,” Brian said, and took Justin's hand to lead him around into the kitchen.  
  
“That you went on a drinking binge?” Justin asked uncertainly, hoping that this wasn't really what it looked like. With Brian though, sometimes you couldn't be certain of what he might do. Justin noticed though that Brian didn't smell like he'd been drinking, and he looked sober.  
  
“I poured them all down the drain. Justin... I quit,” Brian confessed.  
  
Justin looked at Brian in complete shock, and then looked over at all the empty bottles. He tried to find the words to say, but he was speechless. He never would have expected something like this from Brian. The man had been an alcoholic for years and never once had considered quitting — or at least he had never expressed any desire to quit.  
  
“That's not all,” Brian said, and lifted the lid to the trash can and pointed to the object that used to hold his drugs. Justin looked inside and stared at the infamous wooden “goodie box”, which was what they had nicknamed it. He couldn't help but also notice that there were a few more empty bottles in there as well.  
  
“Is that... You mean you...?” Justin stammered.  
  
“That's right. I flushed everything inside it down the toilet and then threw the box away too. I don't need to look at it and be reminded of what it represented, or I might get depressed and go out to get another one and fill it with drugs again... which obviously would defeat the purpose of all of this,” Brian said seriously.  
  
“Wow... Brian. I'm so proud of you,” Justin smiled, and then leaned in to give Brian a hug, which the other man graciously accepted. He'd missed the feel of Justin in his arms. So much more than anyone would ever know.  
  
“I kind of had an experience, and I've come to some realizations,” Brian told him.  
  
“An experience?” Justin asked. Brian nodded.  
  
“Yes. I don't know whether it was real or not, but it helped me to figure some things out,” Brian said. He took Justin's hands in his, and looked into his beautiful blue eyes. “My life has really spun out of control, and I want to get everything back on track. Not only for me, but also for the people who care about me and are important in my life.”  
  
Brian took a deep breath before continuing. “One of the other major things I learned and was forced to accept during my 'experience', is how much I want and need you in my life.”  
  
Brian looked at Justin's startled expression and suddenly felt a bit self conscious, and let go of the younger man's hands.  
  
“Brian... I need to tell you that Ethan and I -- ”  
  
Brian silently cursed himself. He didn't want to have to put Justin in a position where he had to choose between two people again. “I'm sorry. I know you're with someone else now, and I have no right to just expect you to --”  
  
“Brian will you just shut up and listen to me a second?” Justin said with a small smile. Brian stared at Justin and stayed silent so that Justin could talk.  
  
“What I was going to tell you was that Ethan and I aren't together. We broke up shortly after you were admitted to the hospital,” Justin admitted.  
  
“Because of me,” Brian said, more to himself then to Justin.  
  
The blond looked at him and shook his head. “It wasn't just because of you. Things weren't really working out even before that. I don't really want to get into all the reasons, and I'm sure you don't want to hear about it anyway. Let's just say that we really just had different focuses and priorities in life, and it caused us some problems.” Justin felt a bit uncomfortable talking about Ethan with Brian, but felt it was important that he tell him the truth.  
  
“When I found out that you had OD'ed, I immediately went to the hospital to see you. I continued to visit you every day. Ethan was upset that I was devoting so much time sitting in your room with you, and said that I cared more about you than I did about my relationship with him. He said that if I really loved him, that I would put him first. He asked me to choose, so that was the end of that. I chose you.”  
  
Brian was taken aback by what Justin had just confessed. It made him feel so fucking good that Justin cared about him and loved him enough to not leave his side, even if it meant that he would lose Ethan.  
  
“But I thought you loved him,” Brian said. “Why did you choose me?” he asked. Justin shook his head.  
  
“I never loved Ethan, Brian. I loved the idea of him. I chose you because I do love you.”  
  
Brian felt the flutter in his stomach again, this time even stronger. He could definitely get used to hearing those words.  
  
“So I guess now is when I'm ready to talk about this,” Brian said with a small smile, which Justin returned. Brian opened the refrigerator and got out a couple of bottled waters, and handed one to Justin. They walked over to the sofa and sat down, ready to finally get everything out in the open.  
  
“I guess since I was already talking before, I'll start, if that's okay,” Justin said. Brian nodded at him, motioning for him to continue.  
  
Justin took a sip of his water and then set it down on a coaster on the coffee table. He looked at Brian, his expression serious. “I want you to know that I am sorry, Brian,” he said. “And before you say that sorry is bullshit, I'll say that in this case, you're wrong. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was sneaking behind your back with Ethan, and then without even discussing it with you, I left you — in front of all of gay P.A., no less.”  
  
Justin shook his head and then looked back up at Brian. “It wasn't until later though that I figured out what you were doing. You told Lindsay and Mel that you were looking for me, so I would purposely walk in on you fucking Rage. And You looked me right in the eye as you did it. I'll never forget that look. It was the same cold stare you gave me when the Hotlanta Guy was going down on you right in front of me, here at the loft. You did it to show me that you're Brian Kinney, and no one was going to keep you from living the life you wanted to live, and that was how it was going to be. You knew it would hurt me enough to make me leave.”  
  
Brian looked away guiltily. “I just didn't want you to be somewhere you didn't want to be. I wasn't ever going to give you what you wanted, and didn't want you to compromise your happiness for me,” Brian explained.  
  
“Brian, it all goes a lot deeper than just not hearing that you love me out loud, or buying me flowers or having floor picnics. I've come to realize a few things of my own. I was/am still having issues as a result of the bashing,” Justin explained.  
  
Brian winced at the mention of that horrible night that he had almost lost his blond. “Justin, you don't have to --”  
  
“Yes, I do. I really do. You need to know that it wasn't all you, and it wasn't that I felt that you treated me like shit, because I'm very well aware of how much you've done for me. I know that I was more than a trick to you. I know that you cared about me. You showed me every day.”  
  
Brian looked away for a moment. He had tried to show Justin the best he could how he felt without actually saying it. He knew though that he could have done things a bit differently. It almost seemed so silly to him now. He kept quiet, and continued to listen to Justin.  
  
“What you didn't know though, and what I couldn't express or even pretend to explain, was that after Chris Hobbs attacked me, I lost a big part of myself. After getting out of the hospital, I was no longer the same self-assured person who was onto you. I was so lost, and my self esteem was very low. I desperately needed validation that you loved me. Deep inside, I knew that you did — I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Even though you had done so much for me to show me, it wasn't enough. I wanted -- needed you to say it. Then, everything just started happening at once. My birthday 'present', and the canceled Vermont trip... and the tricking was really starting to get to me. Even though I knew that's who you are, because my self esteem was so low and I was so insecure, I started to think maybe I was delusional to think that you really loved me. I thought that if you had to have all those other men, that maybe I just wasn't good enough for you. I started to feel like more of a convenience. Your personal live-in boy toy,” Justin said honestly.  
  
Brian frowned, and opened his mouth to say that he had never felt that way about Justin at all, but Justin held up his hand, signaling for Brian to remain quiet and listen. He really needed to get this all out first before Brian said anything.  
  
Justin then paused, thinking about the whole situation and trying to find the words to explain it in a way that made the best sense. He licked his lips and then continued to explain himself.  
  
“Ethan's timing was impeccable. He happened to come into my life at a time when I was feeling vulnerable, insecure and a little neglected, and also when I was questioning my place in your life and how you felt about me. He came in right on cue and told me everything I wanted to hear. It wasn't long before I got sucked into the fantasy of having the perfect relationship with the perfect, romantic, boyfriend. Someone who would want to spend every night at home with me, and just me. A man who would make me feel invaluable to him. He really made me think that he could be that man for me... and he said he loved me.”  
  
Brian nodded slowly, and really started to feel like shit now. How could he not have seen the signs? Or maybe he had, but forced himself to ignore them? Justin was not recovered from the bashing yet, and he was crying out for help, and he just ignored him. He felt like such an asshole. How many times had he told Justin not to think about the bashing? To just put it out of his mind? In the meantime, he had all of these issues building up. In his own way, Justin had tried to tell him, but he wasn't listening.  
  
Justin saw the look on Brian's face, and put his hand on his shoulder. “Brian, it wasn't all your fault. We both made mistakes. Not to mention we lacked some serious communication skills. You pushed me away, but not for the reasons I thought.”  
  
Brian nodded. “Is it my turn now?” he asked. Justin smiled. “Knock yourself out,” he chuckled. Brian smirked at his choice of words.  
  
“All my life, the only thing I could ever really see was how love hurt people. My father said he loved my mother, but he beat the shit out of her, cheated on her and verbally abused her, daily. Then he tried to make it right by saying he was sorry, and bring home a dozen red roses. My mother told me that Jack loved me, but I couldn't see how when our 'quality time' as father and son was spent using me as a punching bag,” Brian said acidly. He took a sip of his water.  
  
“Love seemed like the biggest fucking lie the world had ever seen. All the things people did in the name of love proved how fucking ridiculous it all was. Murder. Suicide... The cheating, the lying. The sacrifices people made in their life for love, only to be made a fool of in the end. It was complete bullshit to me. The only thing I could see about love, was that it was the number one cause of hurt. In my eyes, love was an illusion. Something that was a ploy, used to control people. I made a vow to myself that I would never give up control. I would always have that part of myself, and that way I would never get screwed. I'd never get hurt.”  
  
Justin looked at Brian like he was really seeing him for the first time. He'd heard the “love is for straight people” speech before, but he always had a feeling it went way deeper than that for Brian. This was the first time he had really explained to Justin in depth of what he meant by the “love is bullshit” phrase.  
  
“The only problem is, I met this twink one night outside of Babylon and he changed everything. My life's never been the same since,” he told Justin with a small smile.  
  
“I was scared shitless, Justin. I was scared of my feelings, of opening myself up fully to one person, of allowing someone to love me — and allowing myself to love someone in return. If I made no commitment or vows or sentiments of love to someone, I couldn't hurt them, and they couldn't hurt me — because there was no promise to be broken.”  
  
“I understand why you did what you did,” Justin said.  
  
“I still ended up hurting you though, and that's because I did lie. I tried to act as if we didn't have a relationship, when it was clear we did. I tried to act as if it didn't matter to me when you were unhappy because of my contentment to never really have a full commitment to you.”  
  
Brian scooted closer to Justin now, and smoothed away a strand of hair from Justin's face, and studied his beautiful facial features. “I lied to myself and to others about my feelings for you. I do love you, Justin. I've loved you for a long time. I just couldn't open myself up like that to anyone when I had been trying so hard to protect myself from getting hurt for so long,” Brian explained.  
  
Justin felt his eyes well up with tears. He hadn't been delusional. Brian really had loved him. He reached out and touched Brian's cheek with his hand, and let it rest there for a moment. Brian's eyes closed, as he reveled in the feeling of the other man's touch. Justin leaned in and kissed Brian softly on the lips. “Thank you,” he whispered.  
  
The two men then hugged, both of them clinging to the other tightly, neither wanting to let go. They held each other for several long minutes, not saying anything, silent tears falling, and occasional sniffles between the two of them.  
  
“Brian,” Justin whispered.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I forgive you.”  
  
Brian smiled widely at the blond, having remembered Justin had said the exact thing to him before. He hadn't said he was sorry, but he knew that Justin had heard him.  
  
“That's a start,” he told Justin, and then took the blond into his arms, kissing him tenderly with all the love and emotion within himself at that moment.  
  
They both knew that they still had so much to work out, and no one had to spell it out for them about how difficult the road ahead of them was sure to be. But they were both willing to take a chance on love.  
  
Indeed, this was their new beginning.


	8. Epilogue - A New Beginning

EPILOGUE:  
  
Brian slid open the heavy metal door and immediately smiled, as he smelled the delicious aroma that filled the loft.  
  
“Justin's here,” Brian happily thought, and his heart fluttered. It had been doing that even more, as of late. Every time he thought of his man, he just couldn't stop himself from smiling, and felt all warm inside. Yes, he was aware that it was all very lesbianic, but it got to the point where he just didn't care anymore. He was happy, and he'd never really experienced happiness in this way before. He didn't ever want it to stop.  
  
“Hey,” Justin called out. Brian could hear some rumbling around in the kitchen.  
  
Sometimes when Justin would get off of work early he would come to the loft and make dinner for him and Brian, which even though he had trouble admitting it, Brian secretly loved it when Justin cooked for him.  
  
Brian walked through the loft, and sat his briefcase on his desk. He then made his way over to the kitchen, where Justin was busily preparing his homemade mashed potatoes. He walked up behind his blond and wrapped his arms around his waist.  
  
“Hey, what's all this?” Brian asked, as he kissed Justin's neck. Justin moaned a little and smiled.  
  
“We're celebrating,” Justin said. He stopped his task, and then turned around and gave his man a proper hello kiss, which Brian happily obliged to.  
  
“What are we celebrating, exactly?” Brian asked.  
  
“Why don't you go take a quick shower and I'll have everything on the table by the time you come out?” Justin said with a smile. Brian gave his lover a suspicious look, but nodded and headed off to the bathroom.  
  
After his shower, Brian slipped into more comfortable but casual attire before walking back out to the dining area. The loft smelled even more wonderful, and his mouth watered at the site of the large, thick, T-bone steaks that sat on a large plate on the kitchen table. As promised, everything had been laid out, all ready to be served. Along with the mashed potatoes that he had seen Justin preparing when he first walked in, there were also steamed vegetables sitting in a dish, as well, and some dinner rolls.  
  
“Go ahead and have a seat, I'll be right there,” Justin called out from the kitchen. Brian sat down at one end of the table, and waited for Justin to join him. He did indeed appear a moment later, carrying a bottle of chilled Sparking Cider in his hand.  
  
“This all looks great,” Brian smiled.  
  
“I hope it tastes as good as it smells,” Justin said.  
  
“I don't think you've ever made anything that turned out bad,” Brian said thoughtfully. Justin smiled at the compliment, and then started filling Brian's plate for him. Next, he poured them both a glass of a Sparkling Cider.  
  
“So, before we eat, are you going to tell me what we're celebrating?” Brian asked.  
  
Justin sat in his own seat at the other end of the table, and then smiled. “Well, I know you probably didn't think I'd remember, but I wanted to acknowledge that today is an important day, for you, especially, but also for us, as a couple. It's been exactly 1 year today, that you've officially been alcohol and drug free. I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you,” Justin said with a smile.  
  
Brian looked at Justin in amazement. It was true, he didn't think that Justin would remember. It was one year ago that he had gotten rid of all the alcohol and drugs in his loft. It was also the same night that he told Justin he loved him for the first time. They had agreed to give their relationship another shot, and then made passionate love the whole night.  
  
Of course there had been a couple of bumps in the road, but they had managed to work through it all. They knew it wouldn't be easy. They both still had a lot of repressed issues that they needed to work through, which was why they started going to couple's therapy. At first, Brian had refused, but Justin had pleaded with him to give it a chance, since obviously they were having difficulty with solving their problems on their own. More than anything, Brian didn't want to lose Justin again, so he agreed. It was the best decision he had ever made. They had actually learned to truly forgive each other and themselves for a lot of their past mistakes. They also learned to communicate a lot better. Soon, Brian started going to therapy sessions on his own, as well, to help cope with his demons from his childhood, which was the root of where all his problems started.  
  
Brian smiled at Justin, as he thought about everything they'd been through in the last year, and how Justin never failed to remind him of how lucky he was to have him. They hadn't spoken about the upcoming 1-year sobriety date at all, so he'd just assumed Justin hadn't been aware of it. He should have known better.  
  
He got up from his seat, walked over to Justin, and leaned down to kiss him soundly. “Thank you,” he whispered, once the passionate kiss had ended. A dazed Justin looked back up at him.  
  
“You can thank me in later... in bed,” he said with a playful grin.  
  
“Oh, I plan to,” Brian smiled, and then went back to his seat.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Dinner of course was delicious, and the couple never made it to dessert. Brian made good on his promise to show his gratitude to his beautiful blond lover, as soon as they had finished eating. They made love and fucked, then made love again, until they wore each other out.  
  
As they lay in bed holding each other, all wet and sticky, Justin's mind was reeling.  
  
“Brian?” he whispered.  
  
“Please don't tell me you want to do it again. I may end up being the first man in history to have his dick fall off from a fuckfest overload,” Brian smirked.  
  
“No, we wouldn't want that, would we,” Justin giggled. He paused for a moment, not sure if he should bring up what he'd been thinking about for a while. “I wanted to ask you something,” he said softly.  
  
“Oh no,” Brian groaned. “Is this one of those times when you ask me something but there is no right or wrong answer?” Brian sighed.  
  
“I... I wanted to ask you about the 'experience' you had during your coma,” Justin said cautiously.  
  
Brian was silent, not sure whether he was ready to really talk about this.  
  
“You've never told me about it. I know you discussed it in therapy — I just was curious as to what happened to make you want to change and turn your life around,” Justin told him.  
  
Brian sighed. Did he really want to relive it all again?  
  
“If you're not ready, or if you're uncomfortable telling me right now, it's okay,” Justin whispered, and then kissed Brian's lips softly.  
  
“No... it's been a year. I think I can tell you about it now,” Brian decided.  
  
“Are you sure?” Justin asked.  
  
Brian nodded. “Yeah.” He was silent for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts together before he started. Finally, when he felt ready, he spoke. He felt comforted as Justin lay on his chest and ran his hands up and down his body.  
  
“I woke up in the hospital, and you were there, just like you were a year ago. You were sitting at my bedside. I was confused, and when I saw you I was happy at first, but then I remembered everything that had happened between us, and I got angry and tried to push you away.”  
  
“Sounds like a familiar Brian,” Justin said softly.  
  
“I mentioned Ethan and you said you didn't know anyone by that name. Things were weird, and nothing made sense. You had no idea why I was upset. It was a little while later that Michael showed up and...” Brian paused. He hated to even think about it.  
  
“And... what?” Justin asked.  
  
“Michael kissed you... you and Michael were a couple,” Brian said, wincing at that memory of the kiss the two shared in front of him.  
  
“WHAT?!” Justin said incredulously, and then started laughing.  
  
“It's not funny, I was traumatized,” Brian said with a hurt look. Justin tried to get himself together, but the thought of him and Michael together was just so absurd, and he couldn't help it.  
  
“I'm sorry, Brian. I wasn't laughing at you. It's just... well I can't even imagine being with Michael in that way. Talk about a really bad match. Eww,” Justin said, shuddering. It was Brian's turn to laugh.  
  
“Exactly my thoughts,” he said.  
  
“So who exactly were you to me?” Justin asked.  
  
“Well, apparently, I met you through Michael. Your parents kicked you out, and he met you on Liberty Avenue, and was worried for your safety, so he took you home. I still ended up taking your virginity though, but made it clear to you that I didn't want your boyfriend. You ended up getting together with Michael, and then you and I decided that it would all be water under the bridge and that we'd remain friends,” Brian explained.  
  
“Okay... so then what made everything change?” Justin asked.  
  
“Well, I knew things were fucked up, and I was beginning to wonder if I had lost my mind, so I tried to figure out what I needed to do, and that was when it came to me,” Brian said.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I thought that maybe I was being given a second chance to make things right in my life. So I stopped drinking and drugging... I even started going to meetings at the GLC,” Brian said with a chuckle.  
  
“Now _that_ I'd like to see,” Justin said, laughing with him.  
  
“Yeah, I didn't like it very much, but I had to start somewhere. You were pretty impressed, and I have to admit that was one of the reasons I did it. You encouraged me,” Brian smiled.  
  
“Well I'm glad I wasn't an asshole or anything,” Justin said.  
  
“No, you were definitely not an asshole. You helped me a lot, even when you didn't know it,” Brian whispered, and then kissed his Sunshine's hair.  
  
“So then Ben entered the picture. I suspected something was happening between him and Michael. I turned out to be right, and you were devastated,” Brian said, sadly. “You really loved him. And even though it hurt that you loved someone else, I hated that you were hurting, so I tried my best to help you any way I could.”  
  
“Really? What did you do?” Justin asked curiously.  
  
“I was there for you as a friend. I let you cry on my shoulder, and talk about it. We spent a lot of time together. I even took you out on a date,” Brian smirked.  
  
“Wow, was I shocked?” Justin asked.  
  
“Yeah, you kept looking at me as if I had grown two heads and a third eye,” Brian laughed.  
  
“Well, could you blame me?” Justin laughed along with Brian, who shook his head no.  
  
“So then we got to playing this game --”  
  
“Game? What kind of game?” Justin asked with intrigue.  
  
“It was a game that you came up with when you were drunk on Strawberry Margaritas,” Brian told him.  
  
“What was the game about?”  
  
“Well, you said that despite the fact that I was the 'Stud of Liberty Avenue' that I didn't know how you were in bed. So I told you that I bet I could guess, and that's when you came up with the game. You said you would come up with a list of sexual questions and if I got 4 out of 5 right, then you had to do anything I wanted, and vice versa, if you won.”  
  
“So let me guess, you won, and then fucked my brains out?” Justin said with a sly smile.  
  
“Not quite. I ended up getting upset when I answered a question about you and you said it was wrong when I knew for a fact that I was right.”  
  
“What was the question?” Justin asked.  
  
“What's your favorite thing to do while having sex,” Brian told him.  
  
“Kissing,” Justin answered.  
  
“That's what I said, but you insisted that I was wrong, that talking dirty was the answer. We started arguing about it, and you yelled at me, saying that I never took the time to learn to know you — that I didn't want to. That was when I just lost it. I had a breakdown,” Brian recalled.  
  
“What happened?” Justin asked.  
  
“I just went off, and then I ended up kissing you. Then suddenly, I just let go. I broke down. I cried, and I told you how sorry I was about everything I had done to hurt you. You had no idea what I was talking about, but you listened to me, and let me get it all out. Then I told you I loved you,” Brian said.  
  
“So basically it ended up being a preview of what was to come in your real life,” Justin wondered out loud.  
  
“Well, yeah, it ended up being that way, sort of. It was very strange. So anyway, I started to feel weird... Right before I collapsed, I heard you calling me. It wasn't the first time. I could hear you talking to me in my dreams,” Brian said.  
  
“What did I say to you in your dreams?” Justin whispered.  
  
“You called my name, you said you loved me, asked me to wake up, said that you needed me... and one time you said that you always knew how you felt about me, and that you were sorry you tried to push me to say it.”  
  
“Oh my God. Brian... I did say those things to you,” Justin said, look up into his lover's eyes. I would talk to you every day in the hospital. They said it might help you to hear my voice,” Justin said, with a tear in his eye.  
  
“I heard you, Sunshine,” Brian smiled, and ran his fingers through Justin's silky blond hair. “I heard you.”  
  
“So then what happened?” Justin asked.  
  
“Then I woke up,” Brian said. “In more ways than one,” he added.  
  
“I love you,” Justin whispered.  
  
“I love you too,” Brian said back, and leaned in to kiss his man. Soon the kiss turned urgent, and they ended up making love once again.  
  
“I didn't think I could do that again,” Brian said, out of breath.  
  
“Mmmm, I'm glad you did, though,” Justin sighed.  
  
“Justin...”  
  
“Hmm?” Justin asked sleepily.  
  
“I want you to move in,” he said.  
  
“What?” Justin asked, now wide awake. Had he just heard right?  
  
“I said, I want you to move in. You practically already live here anyway. I just don't like the idea of you not being with me. I know when we first got back together we said it wasn't a good idea, but I think now, it's the right time. Things between us are good, and the circumstances are completely different this time,” Brian pointed out.  
  
“You're serious,” Justin said.  
  
“Yes, I am,” Brian said looking into Justin's blue eyes.  
  
“God, next thing you know you're going to want to be monogamous,” Justin joked.  
  
“Actually...”  
  
“No, way. Don't tell me...”  
  
“I didn't say anything to you before, because I didn't want you to get your hopes up, but I haven't been with anyone else for a few months,” Brian admitted.  
  
“Are you kidding?”  
  
“No. There's no one else I want,” Brian said honestly.  
  
“Wow... this is really a lot to take in. I am literally speechless,” Justin said with a nervous laugh.  
  
“For once,” Brian smirked. Justin slapped him lightly on the arm. “Ouch! See, you're not even officially my live-in partner yet, and you're already committing spousal abuse,” Brian said accusingly, trying to keep a straight face.  
  
“Ha-ha,” Justin said sarcastically.  
  
“So, what do you say. You want to go steady?” Brian asked and then batted his eyelashes.  
  
“You're crazy,” Justin laughed.  
  
“But you love me anyway. Answer the question, Sunshine,” Brian urged. Justin sighed and then gave Brian a stern look. It didn't look like he was going to go along with this.  
  
“You can help me move my stuff in this weekend,” Justin smiled, and then leaned in to kiss the brunet.  
  
“Little shit,” Brian muttered, kissing him back.  
  
They cuddled against each other, continuing to kiss and stroke each other's bodies. “Yet, another beginning,” Brian whispered happily, as he snuggled in closer with his love.  
  
“One that I can't wait to start,” Justin whispered back with a smile, and soon fell asleep in the arms of the man he'd always loved.


End file.
